On February 24th, I got a call.

At first, I was in class and didn’t recognize the number, didn’t pick it up, but it was from Sacramento. I googled the number and it showed some kind of air company. Later on, my mom calls me talking about how this teacher was talking about my little sister sent a long e-mail about how she wanted to kill herself.

The same number calls me later on and I pick up. It’s not a teacher. It’s my sister’s middle school counselor.

He tells me that my sister sent an incredibly long email about how she felt suicidal and tried to cut her wrists with scissors. It was due to a lot of stress in her life, stress I never thought she was going through or expected from her. She’s only thirteen, almost fourteen.

But the reality of it all is that we never see another person’s thoughts or know what they’re feeling, because it’s all in their head, and unless we ask, we will never know.

Mental issues are hard to understand because it’s hard to see. But that doesn’t make it any less serious – mental disorders, illnesses, and problems are just as serious as physical illnesses. My sister is only 13, but I want to see her enter high school, graduate high school, and attend her dream college. She deserves to and she will. My sister is only 13, but she wanted to kill herself, and the fact of the matter is that there are many people her age, younger, and older who wish they weren’t alive.

Suicide isn’t a cold that can be cured with some rest and soup – it’s not reversible. However, suicide is 100% preventable. Tell the people you love that you truly care for them, that their life matters, and that you’re there for them. Luckily, today was a call for help, not a call of death.

But to those who have lost their loved ones to suicide, I send my warmest condolences. For those who are contemplating suicide, please, don’t do it.

Instead, call this number: 1 (800) 273-8255.

 

Advertisements

Let’s Just Be Real

Let’s just be honest. Brutally honest. I haven’t been happy the past two years. My junior year of college was filled with sickness, sorrow, and strangely, heavy insecurity. Now, my senior year just seems to be a constant cycle of stress.

My first two years of college I was unbelievably naive, ignorant, and carefree. Now, I would like to think that I’ve gotten wiser, stronger, and better. However, for an unexplainable reason, I’ve never felt more sad and lost.

For a moment, I thought I blossomed and became more confident. But something happened in the middle of my junior year where I felt more insecure than ever. I felt so (and still do) disconnected with my physical appearance and the way I felt about myself. With time, I felt like who I was on the outside did not match up with the way I thought I looked, so gradually, I felt more and more like a stranger within my own skin.

What got lost in translation?

The old me.

I think I was shedding a layer of who I used to be and that change was hard because I was conflicted with going back to who I was comfortable with and knew well to becoming the person I needed to be: an improved Lynn. Before, I was not stressed out as much because there were very little things that were priorities of mine. I didn’t care as much as before, which provokes the thought: is ignorance truly bliss? I was happier back then, but I wasn’t nearly as “good” as I am now.

Did I sacrifice my happiness to be a better person? As someone who no longer desires to consume alcohol or attend parties, I came to the conclusion that I haven’t let myself be happy. I refuse to take part in “temporary escapes” because I know that my problems will still be there when I wake up. I don’t let myself relax for too long because I know there’s always something to do and no one is going to do it but myself. Or maybe, I just don’t want to be like the old me again.

So I’ve been in a rut for almost two years. So what?

Two years is nothing compared to the rest of my life. Maybe I’m not as confident about myself because I’m working on myself and I’m not yet ready to show the world who I am because she’s currently in development. I’m officially an individual who is a public work in progress who put her priorities over her happiness. Will this hurt me or better me? We shall see. Stay tuned.

Haunted

Ghosts can appear for a swift moment, they come and go, and they’re quick remnants of your past that show up to remind you why the pain is still there.

A flashback of what used to be and what isn’t there anymore. They’re not bad, they’re just random thoughts that don’t really upset you and sometimes you just forget about it, anyway.

But then there are moments where those thoughts and feelings of the past intensify and get more scary and slowly, these ghosts become demons.

Demons pop up to let you know that some things never change, some people never change, and it hurts because it’s the truth.These demons of your past are sometimes very powerful and even more scary – they hurt you more than seeing the ghost.

And sometimes it hurts unexpectedly because this demon is a false allusion. It creates nostalgia for the good history left behind and clouds the reason why the past should be left in the past. This demon makes you want it all back: the good, the bad, the feeling of being comfortable and the toxic person, too.

While I have my own skeletons in the closet, as everyone else, that closet is a door I know not to open. But what do we do when that door opens by itself? The past can haunt you. For me, some days my past scares me but makes me appreciate the present. Other times, it’ll be make me regret a lot of words that I’ve spewed out and my actions when I was careless. Perhaps the closet door opens to remind me to close the past, not to be who I was, and work on who I need to be: a better me.

Kesha’s Cry in Court is a Cry For Help

Kesha, I hear you loud and clear. It is not your fault and you deserve justice.

Kesha is a victim of something that happens quite often to many Americans and people across the world. Sexual abuse is no joke.

What could possibly happen, or has happened already, is that the victim starts blaming themselves. Maybe she shouldn’t have pursued her dreams. Maybe she shouldn’t have done this. Maybe it was her fault after all.

But the fact of the matter is that it is not her fault. I’m siding with Kesha in this case because it is extremely evident that she does not want to be linked to such a malicious man, but is forced to due to legal boundaries and rulings. Again, I’m sorry Kesha, and I hope that you find peace soon. Your voice deserves to be heard because you represent more than just yourself right now.

Rape is never about sex – it is about power. Rape is not sex. Sex involves consent – there is no consent with rape. When a woman denies a man access, he will trespass. When a woman refuses to share her body, he will force his way. It is sick and it is vile. What’s truly more disgusting is the fact that this happens to women everyday.

Kesha, thank you for your bravery. You speaking out will help others to find their voice. I hope that, with time, you will be able to express your musical voice again.

Let’s Listen: Real Friends

Kanye West is rapper that I have been listening to since high school. If someone asked me to make a list of rappers whose music that I enjoy, Mr. West definitely makes the list.

Although he’s not playing at Coachella this year, I would love to see him live in concert. I saw this song on SoundCloud and instantly liked it. It speaks to everyone, how many real friends do we really have? What’s the definition of a real friend? Am I a good, real friend? Do I have real friends? Yes, I do, but it took a few bad ones who realize who the good ones are and who are the people you want to keep in your life.

However, I’m not saying that I’ve always been a good friend, I had to lose some friends to realize that if I want good friends, I must be a good friend myself.

If anyone knows me, I love lyrics and I love lyrics that are substantial and meaningful. While I do enjoy catchy songs, I love deep songs that have various interpretations because who knows what the artists really meant, but what matters is what the lyrics mean to us. We can only guess at who the artist is writing about but when I listen to this song, it makes me think of my own friends, my real friends.

As I get older, I’ve realized that value of genuine and satisfying friendships means a lot more. Friendship is essentially a valuable treasure to me and because of this, I’m taking friendship much more seriously. X marks the spot and there are no shortcuts to produce fruitful friendships. It takes time, trust, and sometimes, tears.

Word Of The Year: Integrity

Last year, my word of the year was appreciation.

That does not mean that this year I won’t be appreciative, I will be, and to start off this post, I want to show some appreciation to my friend, Cindy. We met in the spring of 2013 and three years later, I’m glad she’s still in my life. Yesterday, she dropped off food because her dad and other family members wanted me to have food for Lunar New Year, which is tomorrow, February 8. Cindy is one of the hardest working people that I know and definitely one of the nicest and smartest. I’m glad to have her in my life because she reminds me that hard work does pay off and does not go unnoticed. She’s taught me a lot and I appreciate her for always opening up her home to me!

Anyway, the word of the year for 2016 is integrity.

Why? Because I feel a lot of people don’t know what it means or know how to live by it.

If you’re purposely late, you’re purposely disrespecting the other person. If you purposely flake, it shows that you don’t care. If you don’t care, it will show and people will know. If you can’t live up to your words, you don’t really deserve to be in someone’s life. No one likes a liar. No one likes a fake. People who are true to themselves will be true to others. These are the things that I tell myself.

Last year, I learned to appreciate and expressed my appreciation for others. This may seem like a “Duh” moment, but for someone like me, who rarely expresses her feelings, this was a weird bubble to go in, but now, I can’t imagine not showing appreciation for the littlest things that my friends, strangers, and coworkers do for me.

This year, I adamantly want to stick to my goals and most importantly, my words. As an aspiring writer, I value my words and I truly believe that if I give someone my word, I must stick to it or it has no value.

As someone who treasures and seeks the truth, if I want the truth, I must be the truth. Like I said, if I want good friends, I must be a good friend myself. As I get older, (laughs embarrassingly because I’m only 21) I have realized what’s really important and friendship is definitely one of the things in life that makes it worthwhile.

Now, I take friendships so seriously that I am willing to let the bad ones sink so that the better ones can breathe. In my small heart, there aren’t a lot of people that I can cherish – that’s the way I’ve unknowingly constructed myself – and there’s only room for people who are genuine, people who stay true to their hearts, people who live their lives for themselves, people who stick to their word, in essence… people who have integrity.

Let’s Talk: #Goals

I feel that the goals that people have say two things: what they want (obvious) and why they want it (not so obvious). Some goals aren’t too big and sometimes, the reason behind the goal isn’t a long answer at all. But some of mine are long, ha ha ha.

Well, what are my goals?

  • Adopt a kid, but two if I’m lucky.
    • I don’t really care to pass on my family name or my blood, even though I would be curious to see what my offspring would look like but that’s a selfish reason to have a child. I don’t want make my own, I just want to adopt and help someone’s life. Also, I have a fear of pregnancy.
  • Write a book, actually finish it, and get published.
    • I love writing and this has been a goal of mine since high school. I absolutely want to write something and hope that it connects with one person, because that feeling will make all the difference in my life. There are many moments when I feel alone and misunderstood, but the thing is: everyone feels alone and misunderstood at some point in their lives, if not often like mine, and that’s when we realize that when we feel most alone, we aren’t. Truly, if all the lonely people connected – we could go somewhere. Also, I have started my autobiography but now, I’m focused on this blog, so I’m taking a break – also allowing life to happen so that I have content for my book. I want to publish my book after I adopt.
  • Create a shelter for women and men who have been sexually assaulted or abused.
    • I’ve been there before (not a shelter) but I know what it feels like to want a place to run away to, to feel safe, understood, and not judged. It could be a home – start small with a one bedroom with a bunkbed. Of course, this would all be free and every expense comes out of my own pocket, so the only way this goal of mine will be achieved is when I’m a billionaire (kidding). I hope to accomplish this goal before I die.
  • Adopt a pug, weiner dog or a French bulldog.
    • I’m a dog person.
  • Pay off my student loans.
    • Because debt is not the new black.
  • Help my sisters get into college.
    • Because I love them.

Goals keep me going. Goals remind me to not to give up and to try one more time, that the next day is a new day to be better than who I was yesterday. When I was depressed, I didn’t have any goals, I just wanted to see black. But now, I make small and big goals constantly so that I never feel like I don’t have a purpose.

There you have it, these are some of the visions that I constantly have spiraling in my head. What are yours?

On January 30th, I had an anxiety attack.

Hi, my name is Lynn and I have anxiety, and annoyingly, when I’m stressed out, my anxiety spikes up more than usual.

Today, on January 30th, I had one at work. But first, let’s reverse the clock a bit.

I woke up at 7:30AM to go to my car appointment, dropped nearly 5 bills to fix my brakes and axle, thought about my life, got stressed out and went into work in a not so great mood.

I know that we should never bring our baggage to work but I’m an emotional shawty – so I’m still trying to work on hiding my feelings at work better – and I am never the type of person who could ever fake a smile.

While I’m decorating the pops, I think my hearing was going out or I just wasn’t fully paying attention to the customer’s voice, or maybe the music was too loud to properly hear what customers were saying, but I started messing up on pops. I did this twice.

I felt my anxiety was slowly getting worse as I felt like I was slowly heating up and my words couldn’t come out. Every little thing that really isn’t that bothersome stressed me out – which negatively added to my anxiety.

After I messed up on the pops, I knew my anxiety was shooting through the roof because my throat was closing up and I felt like I was going to cry. My heart was beating way too fast and I had to get out of the area. I needed to escape.

I ran out and cried. I had to let the stress out. Someone had approached me and gave me napkins for my tears. That person, who I did not know or get the name of, taught me to do the same for someone who’s crying: get them tissue.

Before I went back to work, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I definitely don’t look beautiful when I cry. I went back to work and asked to go home.

My friend, Cindy, called me and I felt so ashamed. That wasn’t me – well it was me – but it was a me that no one should have ever seen.

I got back to my car, took some time to relax, and recollect myself. My stomach hurt. When I tried to drive, my right leg was shaking, even when I had it on the brake pedal, and I was so scared that I would accidently speed up and crash.

When I am stressed, I stress eat. I participate in the “Treat Yo Self” notion quite often and today just further proved my point that unhealthy food makes you feel way better than healthy food. I bought more of my favorite Korean instant ramen and indulged on some white chocolate Kit-Kats I bought earlier. As I’m typing this up, I’m eating a Rice Krispie to sweeten up my not-so-sweet post.

Have I had an anxiety attack before? Yes, and they’re not fun. Honestly, they ruin plans and they ruin your mood. Are they the end of the world? No, but it feels like it is the end of my world – for a long quick moment that doesn’t seem like it’ll end but it does. Sometimes, they happen so fast that I wonder if they even happened at all. But it did happen and who knows if it’ll happen again? I hope not, but we can’t control what happens to us however we can control what happens afterwards.

I could take the easy way out and just quit, hide from everything, never come out, and just stay in my safety shell. I would miss out on a lot of stuff just for the feeling of being safe and not anxious. Or, I could try to battle my demons. My friend, S, who has anxiety as well, told me to not be scared of the feelings I had because that I don’t want to be at home forever.

He’s right.