I would never use the word ‘vulnerable’ to describe myself. I’m quite guarded. I suppose I fell in love with my privacy and how it’s only me, myself, and I with my emotions and thoughts. I built a wall so high that it became dark. As I put down my rose-tinted glasses, I’ve come to realize that the walls I’ve built around myself have hurt me more than done good.
I tell myself that I’m only protecting myself when I don’t open up. I tell myself that staying guarded is good, that the less people I let in, the better. But the truth of the matter is… I have let no one in. Now, I must face the horrifying fact, one that my pride would never let me say, but as I put my pride down, I will admit that the feeling of being alone is getting to me.
But, I will also admit that the feeling of being alone was something that I unknowingly bestowed on myself. For quite some time, I felt as if people would never be able to understand me or be on the same emotional wavelength as me, and it was only true due to the very reason that I never exposed myself so that people could understand me.
It’s time to let those walls down.
Before, I used to see these walls around me as this unbreakable matter, made of stainless steel, and bulletproof protective gear. But now, I’m seeing this wall around me as a brick wall, one that I plan on lowering, one brick at a time. This is a big step for me. For the longest time, I stuck to the notion that I would never let down my walls for anyone, that remaining in the distant cold is for the betterment of my character, but in reality, it’s only hindered me.
I’ve lost relationships because I was too scared to put myself out there. The risk of getting hurt was greater than the chance of having a new friendship. I didn’t want to get closer. It wasn’t an option. But for me, as someone who loves flowers and anything floral, I prevented myself from enjoying the blossoming of relationships. The hypocrisy I laid out for myself is a path where there lies no nourishment or flourishing of prosperity.
It’s never too late to plant a seed of new beginnings.
I might just be a late bloomer, too. This year, not only will I practice integrity but I will practice showing vulnerability. Practice makes perfect, right?