Regrets & Promises

As 2019 budded into Spring, I reflected and realized how some of the toxic roots that I unknowingly planted in 2017 had sprouted as poisonous plants in the garden of my mind. Now, I’ve decided to weed those habits and thoughts out of my head before the heat of the summer sun warms up all the wrong and twisted vines.

One specific incident with one specific person has taught me one incredibly vivid lesson: maybe, you didn’t hurt me as much as I had thought back then, and that maybe, I was clouded by my selfishness and my need of you to be there for me–that what I found to be more virtuous and vital is that no friend ever hurts you willingly.

I did not think to look at your intentions because I was too focused on the indentations on my ego. My ego said, “You should have been there for me.” But what I didn’t realize yet was that I was in a fog and couldn’t see your light, so I thought you weren’t coming to find me and you did not care. What I realize now, is that fog is thick, and if I had reached harder to find your intentions, I would have found your light had I waited just the right amount of time.

But… I wasn’t patient. My ego said, “You should have been there for me.” I was selfish and kept count of the times I had been there for you, but a true friend does not keep count of the good they do for their friends. I’ve always denied the existence of karma and here I was, holding what I’ve done for others against them. I wasn’t ready to admit that I had expectations of friends returning the favor immediately and accordingly to my desires.

Now, my heart says, “I miss you.”

My mind admits, “I’m embarrassed and I regret losing you.”

I’ve learned a lot from my friendships. But, I’ve learned the most when those friendships cease to exist. To the person this post is about, I wish I had the courage to tell you this but I’m not ready…yet. Until then, I wrote this for you. Hope you’re well.

Thank you for reading.

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Starving My Ego

This was one afternoon I’ll never forget. Two people, one room, and I wondered if anyone heard the volume of my emotions through the walls. When our words were exchanged in your small room, they were like small sparks that ricocheted from the papers and wood of your desk. All in a matter of a minute, the room felt smaller and hot, but the space between us grew. I was taken back by what you said but I should have been more taken back by how I acted. Without revealing too much about who and where, I learned a lesson about my ego and how being where I am right now is the best time to make mistakes, not recklessly, but in a manner where I keenly learn and don’t repeat those mistakes again.

I never considered myself an egotistical person until I reflected on how I reacted when someone gave me feedback I did not take well. I always thought of an egotistical person as one who’s arrogant, someone with a ravenous appetite to be full of oneself, someone who can never admit to their wrongs… the list can go on. But I suppose we know only what we feel and think, but not always how others feel and think about us.

Humans are conditioned to be comfortable, or at least, we get used to events that occur on a predictable routine, like people we see on a daily basis, lifting the same dumbbell at a certain weight, or in my instance, being fed compliments and consistently given plates of acknowledgement and appreciation. I’ve dined on desserts getting to know the sweet taste of being valued and needed, but we all know too many sweets can make one sick. After a buffet of nothing but positivity and praise, when I was served a dish I forgot existed, the gluttonous animal in me was repulsed by the flavors and aftertaste. I caught a swift glimpse, of the monster that I was, in the always sparkling silver plate, but the hand that fed me was mine, for it was my own ego I had tasted.

I had let all the delicious and satisfying treats of adoration fill my head, inflate my ego, and I was left wondering why my head hurt when you told me I had to work on myself. Perhaps I was not as diligent as I thought I was. Perhaps it was tunnel vision, a food-induced coma of compliments and smiles, the excitement of knowing what I could do with my skills, or a mix of all three. There certainly can be more reasons as to why I felt so powerful yet fragile but it does not matter why my nasty ego came out. What matters now is that I no longer feed my ego in order to the maintain the beast of arrogance and pride inside of me.

You see, an ego must always be fed. An ego is supreme yet shatterable because it makes me feel grand, better than all, like a king who can conquer all the lands and yet, it can be ruined when the slightest risk not being liked looms and the terror settles in when I realize that having such an ego is like living in a glass house. When the day is alive, the refulgent light floods the house with a warmth I’ll never stop yearning for and the sunlight soaks my skin with happiness. But when the night comes, darkness has no mercy and I wonder if I’m safe at all. My ego cries for the day to return because in the dark my insecurity reeks. Am I confident or am I dependent on others praising me?

Is it ever possible to live without an ego? How do we live without seeing ourselves in our actions and who we allow to be in our lives? Do we keep our ego at a healthy size? My thought is that the ego can be maintained and set at a nondistracting distance. Sizable enough to keep us aware of who we are and what we’d like to be, but not too large where we hurt others and ourselves with the blind assumption that we are who we are not.

At 24, I am still figuring out to swim with the waves of my ego. For the most part, it comes in soft waves of just confidently and politely kissing the sand with the right amount of sanity to keep the peace of the waters. But that one afternoon, that was a storm because my ego erupted from the bottom of the ocean and sought to demolish whoever dared to humble me. It wasn’t pretty, but it was necessary. Growth isn’t easy nor is it comfortable, but it’s a beautiful sight to see when the seas have calmed and the air is safe.

Thank you for reading!

Let’s Reflect: 2018

As I type this, I realize that 2019 is coming soon, yet it feels like it was just January. Time flew by and as the new year creeps up, reflection and review is a must. I did 2017’s reflection in a scurry so I’ve decided I will devote more time and care for this year’s reflection.

This January, I finally returned to Vietnam and the moment I saw my family members after years of not seeing them, many I did not remember embarrassingly enough, I instantly regretted that I had not visited before when I had the chance(S!!!) to. Ugh, another disappointment to add to my never-ending list of regrets, but it’s a lesson that has inspired me to visit my family more often. I told my mom I want to visit Vietnam every year and my mom laughed! I guess the plane ride is one that she needs a few years break from, haha. One of the reasons I still appreciate my trip to Vietnam is that I realize how lucky, privileged, and dare I say it- powerful I am. I’m in a position that so many across the seas would they were in and I can do so much that many cannot. I cherish my home, MY TOILET AND SHOWER, my clothes, my family, my friends, food, driving NOT the newest model but having a car at all, and last but not least, the job that I have right now.

When I came back to America, all the problems that I once thought I was so troubled by- disappeared. People who irritated me became people who no longer bothered me. Crazy as it sounds, I feel like my patience has grown so much. Things could be worse and yet they aren’t because 1) they aren’t 2) my positive perspective keeps me grateful 3) see 1.

As I think about what happened after January, I go, “Oh,” because something shitty and absolutely terrible happened to me and it was 10,000% my fault. However, it has taught me so much, especially in terms of gratitude. I thought I was grateful before when I had returned from Vietnam, no, what happened to me in the summer taught me an exponential level of gratitude. Like I said earlier, things could be worse and thankfully, I bounced back from that situation and even if time travel was possible, I wouldn’t change what had happened to me. It is what it is and it was what it was – the past is in the past and to be stuck in the past is to be stuck in an attitude that doesn’t allow me to grow, and obviously, if I can’t be 5’8″ then let me grow mentally and emotionally more mature!!!

Fall came and I turned 24, and I forgot what I even did for my birthday. I still think I’m 21 or 22. Oh yes, I remember I had just quit my job and was already interviewing for the job that I have now. Now, I recall an incident that occurred before my birthday and in the past, I practiced a toxic habit of cutting off others before they had a chance to explain themselves and I wouldn’t give them the time of day. I made hasty decisions that have resulted in not-so-good long term results. So, I knew this wasn’t a habit to keep nor was it an action to be repeated once more. I unlearned something that had been a safety net for me and it’s been one of the best mistakes that I never made. It’s honestly one of the biggest strides of my life and it made me realize that if I, someone who can be hardheaded and prideful, could change my negative ways, then perhaps, the people I had cut off too soon can change as well (and maybe they already have).

This year, I became incredibly insecure of my body and physical looks. Without getting too into my woes of my appearance (because you can read it here), I knew I had to do something if I wasn’t comfortable with what I saw in the mirror. So, I did. I lost weight, cut down the alcohol, changed my diet, and changed my workouts. This is not a fitness blog so I’ll end this topic here. The lessons to be learned here is that HEALTH IS WEALTH and if I truly want something, then I cannot sulk and wish that a genie will make my desires come true, that I have to put action to my thoughts, and CONSISTENCY IS KEY!!!

Overall, this year was 100% better than 2017, despite the fact that I did not move back to Southern California. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be, will be. I definitely am more happier this year and it comes not from the height of my highest and greatest moments, but from how I picked myself up from my lowest of lows. With that said, I feel hopeful about 2019 because of the painful lessons I have learned this year – I feel more confident and ready to tackle on the new year!!

Happy New Year and thank YOU for reading!! XO

 

The Beauty in Betrayal

In 2018, I travelled to Vietnam and came back with a new-found perspective and patience, so when I let go of someone I once considered a genuine friend, instead of being harsh and bitter, I was and am still thankful for the way we disconnected. It was never truly a loss for it brought me one step closer to knowing who my true friends are and I don’t mind having one less friend. It makes my circle smaller, yes, that is true. But my circle of friends becomes richer and I often feel spoiled with the luxury of loyalty I have from my real friends.

“Show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.” — Vladimir Lenin

We wipe away the dust from the mirror to see the clearer reflection of who we are–you showed me who you are–and that in turn, showed me who I am. I am someone who won’t give up on a friendship even if I had a few relationships that went south. I know that I value friendship greatly and I will take what I’ve learned from you and put that energy in the current and beautiful friendships I have now.

You not showing loyalty reminds me that I have to give others what I would want in return–even if I don’t get back. Integrity is tattooed on the back of my spine and that’s where you stabbed me with your lies. Maybe I let you in thinking you would be different and maybe my ego made me think I would be different enough for you to not lie but dishonesty discriminates no one. Fibbers have no favorites to be honest to and now your name leaves a foul taste in my mouth but alas, not all lessons are sweet and easy to swallow. But, in an intriguing manner, I’m grateful for the poison I’ve tasted from your lies because it was an experience I was meant to encounter, perhaps once or twice more again in this life.

Life is fugacious and so was our friendship but I thank you for being the reminder that people are never black-and-white but mixtures of good, wrong, and bad. In 2017, I would have given this situation too much flame and burned myself in the process, but 2018 has taught me there is beauty in the ugly, even if the ugly is full of betrayal, lies, and deception. 2018 has also taught me that forgiveness isn’t just a word, but a feeling that helps us move on in life.

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.”  — Bernard Meltzer

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” — Mark Twain

I forgave you when I realized how much you taught me. Thank YOU and thank you for reading!

The Sheep That Cried Wolf

A dusky evening began with a brass key locking a door and a man turning his head away from a house he once called home. He entered his white carriage to drive away from his past life and current problems. The scent of luxury leather had softened and so had his demeanor. His heart was tender and torn. His lies and betrayal had become a battle where he could not prevail, for it was his own deceit that broke his castle, and now he is without queen and prince. This is no longer a fairytale.

I had met this not-so-gentleman a few times before, each time a faint memory leaving more questions to be asked for the next time we’d share the same space. Months had passed and his presence no longer was a surprise and he became a regular sight to see. Curiosity is often a force that drives us to roads we wish we never saw.

The questions I once had of him
were blown into the dust
when he spoke of his life,
with such arrogance and pride,
he gloated with his bloated ego
and his heart pushed to the side.

The more he spoke, the more I knew that I no longer wanted to know about him and became less curious of his soul underneath his skin. His life was grand yet he was not gallant, he had money but was not rich in life, and he howled of worlds and lives he lived only for a moment or in a daydream. His head was in the clouds, misted by the haze of having it all but having no one who truly knew his core. I questioned, “Do you even know yourself?”

I could not pity you because there was intent and choice behind your words when you boasted of your coins and collection of material things in your life. I saw the void in your eyes and I wondered if your vices would ever fulfill the hole you dug yourself.

There was not much of you that I knew
nor did I desire to change that for
my disappointment and displeasure of you grew
but I looked past your flaws
for even sheep need love too.

It’s easy to label someone as X, Y, and Z and be done with them, as if I truly know a person from the few and scattered interactions I have with them and even then, it begs the question of if I even have the right to pass my judgement of them as the truth? Truth and opinion are two different things and it’s easy for me to mix the two and call it my perspective.

But even then, I’ve started to grow guilty of my harsh opinions of others, an unfamiliar behavior coming from me but a genuine sign that I am maturing. I aspire to be compassionate, and to have compassion for others, there must be hope and faith in someone–especially when we feel that they don’t deserve it–because that is when they need it the most. Compassion is a gift and one that we can give to others without immense preparation or having to spend copious amounts of money.

This holiday season, I will practice compassion and work on changing my negative opinions of others–some I’ve held onto for far too long and some I’ve recently developed–to be less negative but not naively and blindly optimistic.

Happy Holidays, everyone!!! Thank you for reading.

The Obsession with Perfection

It’s 2010. I’m in high school and there’s a website called “FormSpring”, a place where people can anonymously submit thoughts, questions, or in my case, rude remarks about my physical appearance.

Pig nose. Volcano face. People asking me if I was a boy because I didn’t have much cleavage (and I still don’t!). I don’t consider myself someone who was bullied in high school because I know there are others who have had it worse and but looking back, it’s insane how these comments have stuck with me longer than most of my high school friends.

While the Internet was a damaging place for my self-esteem, it was also a place full of research. So, in high school, I looked up all the ways I could clear up my skin and then spend my $20 monthly allowance on skincare products and makeup so that I wouldn’t be called a pizza face. This was just one of many times where I did something for the sake of other people’s opinions, a habit I have not yet quit. I remember a moment when my cousin and I were looking at ourselves in the mirror, and my cousin told me that pretty girls weren’t smart and that smart girls were ugly. I looked at my reflection and thought, “I must be ugly.”

It was a strange time when former First Lady, Michelle Obama, was called a “gorilla”, even though she’s one of the smartest women out there and incredibly influential. I say strange because I had felt conflicted with myself – thinking absurd thoughts that perhaps I was ugly because I was smart, that I should give up my mind for some physical beauty if a genie ever appeared, and other unrealistic thoughts because I craved for the same attention that my pretty friends got from now-irrelevant high school boys.

Fast forward to now, eight years later, there’s Instagram, Tumblr, and tons of other websites where beautiful women are scattered and always on display – picture perfect with clear skin, amazing bodies, hair done by the gods, and flawless makeup. Both media and society are over saturated with pretty girls everywhere, creating this pressure and standard to be flawless and perfect. But there is something odd about this obsession with perfection. It appears to be never-ending.

The pressure also seems to have layers. “Oh, once I have clear skin, I’ll work on growing out my hair, but at the same time, let me go to the gym and get my body looking like this, and then I’ll get this done and then I’ll do this”—but when does it ever end?! There’s always weight loss commercials, new skincare products, new makeup products, new clothes, new shoes, new teas, new this, new that – advertisements that set the standard of how I should look and that I should buy it as soon as possible. Of course, I’m human, I feel this pressure to be pretty, so I’ve succumbed and have spent many, many paychecks on makeup and clothes, and embarrassingly enough, I even got myself into debt trying to keep up with everything and everyone.

Now, I’m a young adult, but I still struggle with my appearance and some days, I feel more insecure than I was when I was a teenager. But overall, I have more good hair days than bad, and I would say that I am more confident than I was in high school, as I’ve learned quite a bit about makeup from YouTube, but hey, I’m not saying I look like Beyoncé. To be frank, in recent years, the compliments I’ve received about my appearance definitely stroked my ego – an experience I never felt in high school – and I grew accustomed to knowing and feeling that I was less ugly. But, makeup has its limits and I can’t wear it 24/7.

For example, last year, in 2017, when I went into my now former job to pick up my paycheck, I had just gotten out of the gym so picture me sweaty, probably a little stinky, with no ounce of makeup on, and hair tied. So, when my old coworker said, “Whoa, you look so different,” I was taken back.

She wasn’t wrong. But after the recent years of being complimented and called “beautiful”, I wondered if my ego was actually fragile and I wasn’t as strong as I had thought myself to be. Of course, she shouldn’t have said that, but, a year later, I’ve realized that life isn’t a game of fairness and kind words so there will be many, many things people will say and do and the only thing I can control is my reaction. I don’t hate her for what she said, I actually thank her for saying that because it’s catapulted into this thought-provoking post, and as an aspiring writer, anyone who makes me write is someone I appreciate.

And if you’ve gotten this far, thank you! I appreciate each person who reads my content. Truly, I do. As I’ve rambled about my high school insecurities, most of them I’ve managed to “fix” with makeup and skincare, I found myself in a new situation I can’t conceal quite so easily. For most of my adolescent years and in my college years as well, I have always been skinny. Thin with ribs showing. Thighs that never rubbed together. Size 25 in jeans.

But with my lifestyle choices the past two years, I found myself at the heaviest I’ve ever been, with stretchmarks in places I had never seen before, clothes I had for years not fitting, constantly deleting photos because I couldn’t believe what I saw nor did I recognize myself, but perhaps the thing I struggled with the most and continue to struggle with are the unwarranted comments made by anyone and everyone.

I get it. I don’t look the same as before and I’m not bashing anyone, but this whole experience of being called various things from my family, friends, and others was new and is still new for me. So new that I have not managed my emotions well and to be quite honest, I cried in the bathroom of my work place last night. I was overwhelmed thinking of how much I’ve had to take in. All the comments about my weight gain, my body, and whatever else had accumulated and finally came out in the form of tears. I forgot I was human and the façade I had put up by making fun of myself had cracked and so did I. It was inevitable and it was time. I’m not invincible. I let the tears and pain run out and I woke up feeling a little bit tougher and little bit wiser.

I’ve learned an incredible lesson here, one I wouldn’t have learned if my body never changed, and for this wisdom and strength, I thank my body and I vow to be more kind to my body, because I haven’t been lately. Hating myself and hating my body is a dangerous path that leads nowhere good and I want to walk proud of what I have now.

While I begin on this journey for a healthier me, I also want to work on a new obsession. I don’t want to be constantly worrying about how I look that I forget how I act and treat others. Even though I have no control of other people’s opinions about me, I would hope that when others think of me, they disregard my physical appearance and think about how I made them feel and if I was a good friend. And it’s easy to say, “I hope they say good things about me,” but there comes a time when hope and faith doesn’t cut it and actions speak louder than words.

Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy and if I want people to think of me as an honest friend, someone who has a lot of integrity, and a woman of her word, then I have to be truthful, I have to mean what I say and say what I mean, and be there when I promise to be there. Material things such as long hair, cute clothes, and whatever else are superficial and attainable. But good friends can’t be bought and I’ve always said that if I want good friends, I myself must be a good friend. Beauty eventually fades but having heart and integrity will always be in style. And that is a trend I’ll be following forever.

Thank you for reading.

This is a post I wrote and posted in a few hours, which is lighting fast compared to my previous posts that take months to write and proofread, so it’s not as strong and powerful as I’d like it to be, but I wanted to share this personal post on my website because being vulnerable is important.  And if you’d like to cringe at my original post, you can find it here.

Also, today is September 9th, which means it is my friend, Andrew H’s birthday! Thank you for loving me no matter what size I am. You are kinder to me than I am to myself. Happy birthday, Andrew. No matter the distance, I value our friendship and I thank you for being my friend. You deserve the best today and forever.

Liquor & Lies

The color of crimson coated the garment you wore in the evening I saw you. False innocence was the scent of your perfume that night before it all fell apart. The aroma was sly, it passed by me swiftly, and I wondered if my senses had swindled me. Doubts swirled around my mind, I teetered on trusting you, but then I remembered that the game of playing the victim is a game where no one wins. I lost my respect for you and you lost your credibility. Everyone has flaws– some are out of our control, but some are made by choice. Your flaw? Lying.

Dishonesty is what I cannot accept and your constant lies tore me away from you. With each lie you spewed, the chances of us ever being friends again became slimmer. Now, the chance of us reuniting is thinner than a spider’s silk. With the web of lies you’ve spun, I found myself just hanging on a thread of hope that maybe you could change and we could salvage what is left of our friendship. But second chances are next to impossible to grasp, like a whisper in the wind dancing in the ever flowing air.

Perhaps you never listened or perhaps, it’s my own fault for never telling you how much I detest liars and I revere honesty above anything else. Am I to blame for assuming that you’d know that lying isn’t fair in any friendship? As the months passed and the seasons changed, I grew tired of being disappointed by your lies, like an autumn leaf loses its vibrancy and life as the cold and bitter winter strikes. You were just another friend who was not meant to be my friend. This cycle of losing friends has made me wonder, “Is it me?” The unpredictable occurrence of losing a friend is an art I’ll never comprehend.

Every human is a living piece of art and I had painted this picture of you with soft trusting colors of lighthearted pastels and rays of yellows and light blues, a budding friendship between us had been planted and I wanted us to bloom. But, I questioned if my vision was hazy and not fully the truth. When I took off my rose-tinted glasses, I saw the latent lies that had been hiding between the lines. You were a magician but the magic wore off and I no longer believed you. The tricks you had up your sleeve had no effect and the game of smoke and mirrors was a game you could no longer play.

And when there is smoke, there is fire. It may have been that I had mistaken your warmth for something gentle and comforting, but you were a coal that was going to burn me to the bone if I had not let you go. No amount of liquor would allow me to accept your lies back into my life. I burn bridges not for the destruction and dismay, but for the light and the new pathway it creates. It becomes easier to see that certain routes with certain people are not journeys to take, but to steer clear of and forget. I’m certainly no saint for we are all sinners in this world but my version of forgiveness is letting you go and I pray for your growth and prosperity.

Perhaps, from the ashes of our friendship, you will rise from the cinders as a phoenix: brilliant, resilient, and revering honesty as much as I do. I’ll watch you fly and hear about the stories of how high you soar but I will not be flying with you. Your journey is one I am no longer aligned with – our paths crossed for a moment in time but this time, you will go east and I north, a fate with a guarantee of never crossing paths again.

The Moment I Knew

 

Before I left to college, I deleted all of our pictures so that both my laptop and I could let go of the megabytes and memories. I wiped it clean to feel some sense of a new start without you. I had more space on my laptop for new memories with new people and the space between you and me became apparent, only to me, selfishly I will admit. We continued to talk but you never knew I had erased most of our memories from the digital space. I was undeserving of your loyalty but deep inside, my soul sought a new perfection. A new piece to the ever-changing puzzle of my persona and I knew I was going to change, for my piece was destined to be too small to fit into your space and yours too big for my future.

The moment I left whatever was left of us, it was a moment long overdue. But, I was a coward to not let you know how I had been feeling. I robbed you of the truth and the respect you deserved and now, there is no proper payback for how I wronged you. You were ghosted and now, evil spirits have arrived. I left a storm for you alone to get past while I abandoned you, leaving you in the past.

Confusion, betrayal, and anger are all mixed in the air and you try to find an answer in a room full of questions. White lies and wrongful whispers from the wind make their way to you and you hear scattered pieces of the truth from everyone but me.

I admit, I deserve the reputation I have because I didn’t give you an ounce of honesty. When it comes to love, there are responsibilities one must commit to and I left you on your own to figure out the mystery of what went wrong. But, you’re right, all I do is run away from my problems. It’s an embarrassing solution and not one I pretend to have never practiced. What I did was nothing new to you but it meant a new start for me.

I disconnected from you because I no longer felt a connection – the lively spark that once ran wild in our laughter and loud nights ran out. Light turned into gloom. I couldn’t find you in the dark. Despite the fact that there was so much life in the nonchalant and naive conversations we had years ago, I couldn’t live in the past anymore to find solace with your current actions and behavior. I closed the book on the story of us with no way of allowing anyone, not you and not I, to read between the lines of blank pages.

Now, we’re on adventures without each other, making history in different books in separate libraries and lives. I lacked the confidence to let you know I was leaving, and in some twisted fashion, I can only say that I have enough confidence, right now, to let you know that I won’t be coming back.

And, I know you feel the same.

The moment I knew, I was 17. That moment never left, even years later.
It wasn’t until I was 22 I was certain we were over.
23, I see that the storm hasn’t settled and the cloud of rain continues to reigns over your head. I’m not asking for forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it. I just hope the best for you.

Who Are You in The Dark?

Show me the scary parts.

What does it mean to be human? While there are an infinite amount of answers and we could debate for eternity, I have one that will suffice for this post.

spectrum.png

Being human means having a spectrum of thoughts, emotions, and fears. To put it simply, we are complicated. Man, am I cliché and corny. But, regardless of this overstated statement, there is beauty between the twists and bends. As I search for deeper and meaningful friendships, I find myself curious of my friends’ thorns and what made them tough. Nobody is perfect (seriously, someone stop me with these clichés!) and that is what peaks my interest. I enjoy meeting people with a rugged edge and following the stitching of rough patches of their history.

Perhaps, there is a scientific and psychological explanation for this, or perhaps not… But, I tend to be more drawn to those I share some sort of darkness with, as if there’s a magnetic alignment that occurs when they open up and show me their scars. I’ve always instantaneously connected with girls who revealed that they too were sexually abused in their childhood. Though it’s a bond due to a harrowing moment of our history, it’s a bond that can never be denied or doubted.

postigivenegative

There are positives in finding the negatives. Picture this: a vast forest of dead, rotting trees, but the thorns and broken branches have remained sharp, one wrong step and I could bleed. The view of the forest is foggy and the air is frigid. However, I do not desire to be out of the woods so soon. I don’t have a map but I trust where I’m going. To find treasure, there are times where one must endure some trials and tribulations. It takes time, too… Days, weeks, or months to be able to find the core of someone. To bare your soul is to be stripped of your strengths and for all of your sins and scars to be shown. But when we reveal our vices and flaws, we come to find that we are not too different at all, you and I.

In a lighthearted daydream, I may seek to obtain a perfect perception from others, but truly, I do not wish to paint over what had tainted me in the past.

Six or seven years ago, I would have done anything to be able to time travel and reconfigure my history, undoing the actions of he-who-must-not-be-named and redefine my destiny. Now, I thank the universe for what happened to me because I’d rather it be me than my sisters. I cannot bear to think of what would be the answer to, “If not me, then who?” As far as you and I know, time machines don’t exist. So, we have to build the strength to move on and manufacture our own resilience so that we can navigate through life wiser, stronger, and more confidently.

You are never alone in the dark.

Those moments of my past are utterly the darkest I’ve ever lived through but I find that the darker the history –  the brighter the refulgent light shines without resistance and refusal. We all have darkness within us but when we share our darkness with our trusted friends and family, light appears and we find that we aren’t alone in the dark after all. The light that appears after a storm comes along in the form of love, friendship without judgement, and compassion. Individually, humans are strong. But together, the force of friendship is powerful enough that the painful parts of our lives seem to disappear and we move on quicker and better.

None of us can change what has happened to us – we can only control how we react and our own actions. No matter how dark the past was – I hold onto my faith that the future will be iridescent. I look ahead with hope and a touch of happiness, enough to keep me going and move forward without hindrance.

Thank you for reading!

Title and first line of this post are lyrics from Camila Cabello’s song, In The Dark.

Disclaimer: I am not one to romanticize suicide, depression, or mental illness. I do not encourage self-harm in any form. This post is not meant to encourage any dangerous behavior to oneself or to others.

I see my stepdad everywhere.

I find him in people I once trusted,
once believed to be kind and sincere
with no intentions to sin.
I find him in people who wanted to fit in,
and move into the few and small available
crevices of my heart
with no true intentions of staying true to who they were
and the words they told.
I grew tired and my patience thinned,
I whispered to myself for the umpteenth time,
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I find him in people who lie.
People who want something out of me they won’t say
with their words, but
their hands and actions change with time and
the room reeks with an out-of-the-blue betrayal.
Dishonesty is a dense fog.
It fills the space between us
with disappointment and weary air,
But I
remain honest to keep my vision and morals clear.
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I find him in people who smoke and drink,
drink when there’s nothing to celebrate,
smoke like they want to die in a day.
Cigarettes and alcohol every hour,
addiction has you chained,
corrupted, grotesque, and sour,
I know you’ll never change.
How much more poison can you devour?
A stench stained in his shirt and soul,
the smell of tar and beer,
a putrid odor that signals the devil is near.
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Your touch is tainted and toxic,
desired by no human
I only hope and wish
the next person to hold your hand
is the Grim Reaper.

An attempt at poetry – I’m still new to this! Writing poetry is not my forte but on occasion, I am inspired. Thank you for reading! – Lynn