But with light, there is a shadow.
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve found that no matter how full of light my life is, I always feel my shadow creeping up on me. I never not notice the dark trail behind me.
My shadow embodies my fears, insecurities, doubts, anger, and so much more.
Perhaps, it is due to the series of adversaries that has occurred in my life that I can’t seem to believe in the good anymore. In the words of Drake, “trust issues” would describe me perfectly. It’s not that I don’t believe in good people, I just don’t believe that good things could ever happen to me.
Sometimes, when something seems too good to be true, in case of Lynn Ly, it is. I thought my mom would marry someone great – and at first, he was great – but then his true colors came out. Now, my home back in Sacramento feels like a grey storm with no sun in sight. It’s quite the twisted situation, if you ask me.
With a shadow that will forever endlessly chase me, I have this vision of myself constantly running away but in the end, my shadow will catch up to me regardless of the distance. No matter how good my life is, my insecurities always seem to take over and I can’t seem to grasp the fact that there are actually genuine-hearted people attempting to be in my life.
I’ve concluded that this shadow will forever be a part of me and is not something that I will ever lose. This shadow of mine is not a stranger or evil spirit following me. This shadow of mine is actually me, not all of me, just half of me. My shadow will always be there, just like my anxiety and woes will always be there, but it doesn’t mean I should let the shadows take over.
Life is about balance.
We need the dark to know what is light. When shrouded by massive amounts of darkness, it becomes easier to find the sliver of hope. I, like everyone, hold darkness but I also hold light within me. So, what’s my light? I have a core made up of so much goodness that’s occurred in my life. I hold many remnants of good memories contained inside: acts of kindness by strangers and friends, genuine words of appreciation, elated memories where I had pure fun, days where I felt loved, and the times when I realized that life is worth living.
Now, I welcome the darkness because I have an inner and outer glow to keep the gloom at bay.