28: Self-Interview

Hello! I’ve decided to conduct a self-interview with questions I’ve conjured at random on days I can’t recall specifically. By the way, I turn 28 today!

Why do you like “ratchet music” so much? Examples of songs you’re keen on?
Ha! First off, shout out to all the producers and lyricists who have created many of my favorites such as Freek-A-Leek, Candy Shop, Taste, Big Bank… it’s the momentum of the beats that instantly put me in a good mood and sometimes, the vulgar lyrics make me pop out a smile when I’m not in the best mood. This music pumps me up during gym sessions, makes me excited and then I sway to the rhythm, oh, it’s a wonder how music can lift our spirits. Music is an undeniable art and I appreciate the musical artists who are embedded in the routines of girls while we get ready to go out, while we drive in our cars, while we pump iron, and while we make memories with friends. I hope I never tire of this sound.

What are your favorite words?
Kerfuffle: it’s a string of silly sounds that is informal slang for commotion, but I often use it in place of squabble. I do like the word squabble, but since I discovered kerfuffle, squabble remains in my mind and not by the tongue. The word blossom comes to mind because one, I love flowers, and two, it reminds me of the beauty and progression of nature. Flowers blossom when they’ve been planted, watered, nourished, and have the will and strength to open and showcase their beauty to the world. When I think of myself, I hope to blossom, especially after a chaotic and madly painful period of circumstances.

List your insecurities: physical and characteristic. 
My physical insecurities are endless!! The size of my hands, the bunions on my feet, the pores of my nose, my acne scars, the oiliness of my skin, and all the details of my face. One thing I have noticed is that, in comparison to my younger years, the intensity of my insecurities seem to be subdued. They are still there and creep around in my mind but I take a more proactive approach these days. I’ve been consuming more protein and putting actual effort in the gym, pushing myself to run and lift more.

In terms of characteristic insecurities, I know I have much to work on when it comes to my ego, my spending habits, and my haste. I love instant gratification. Sometimes, I think I lack hope for the far future and what’s in the unknown space of tomorrow, next week, and the coming months. Despite how much I plan, I don’t know what the next day of my life will be like. I have had my faith be tested and disappointment hurts and is not a beat one can become numb to, regardless of how many repetitions of the somber sound I hear.

When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?
When I was able to do a shoulder press with 30-pound dumbbells on each arm.

Last embarrassing moment.
I have had many. I try to not get embarrassed these days because life is short and the world does not revolve around me, but this is a tough task for me. So… I was last embarrassed when I was done speaking with someone in the office, I looked down and saw that my fly was open. I zipped it up and told myself to not wear those pants anymore and also not overstuff myself with free lunch!

What experiences are you looking forward to?
Moving back to Southern California, in due time, when the moment is right, and when I am financially ready. It is a goal I cannot give up on.

Going to Korea and Japan.

Running a 5K. I’ve yet to sign up but as someone who once hated running and any form of cardio, this is a big deal for me! I was looking into one after I finally did 3 miles on a treadmill. Took me an hour, but hey! We all start somewhere.

List 2 interests of yours:
Death. It is so permanent yet it’s an ending that never ends. When people we know, loved ones we once shared space with, people we once saw with our bare eyes, become a name on a stone, I wonder. When a breath of their name can still be blown into the wind, was death truly the final blow?

I do not fear death
For when it is my time, it shall be
When it is meant for me, it is called destiny 

Fate does not wait. Fate runs the film of our worlds endlessly without hesitation and suspension. Fate cannot be stopped or fought as no one’s next breath is guaranteed. When I accepted this, I was freed. Life lives through me and I live life through this magnificent manifestation mixture of my mind, body, and soul. Our bodies are merely containers for our unnamed souls. When the vessel that shelters my spirit unwinds, only then shall I find myself twisted with the winds, mixing with the air, swaying with the spirits whom I know not their names, but only the energy they omit. 

I think my version of death is when one is forgotten, with no story attached to our name, and our name has no significance. Now, that is truly the end.

Theatre. I love watching live talent! It amazes me what people can do, and do well at that, and in front of an audience multiple times with the same consistency. The way they sing, prance and dance around, deliver lines with care and passion, and how people give their all into a character and the story, plot, and message. I saw a local play recently in person. I need to go to more plays. I would love to see Hamilton and Wicked live.

Describe the person you miss.
One lesson I have learned is that the bridges I burned, in the past, kept me warm but only temporarily.

In my early 20’s, cutting people out of my life was the only protection I knew well. I ran away often, crying victim and blaming the other party, clearing my name of guilt and wrong actions. I trusted my cold emotions, poured fluid on friendships, and set a fire to offset my winter heart. There were flames in my eyes. Looking back, it was a heat fueled by anger and anxiety. As I approach my 30’s, I revisit the bridges that now lead to nowhere, and I gaze at the debris of my destructive past.

The ashes of what once was has long floated away with the winds, the rain and snow, for time has done its job. The memories now dust, paid no mind, and solely mine to sweep away, as the distance grows between what I once shared with people who once were in my life. I often wonder where the line between a mistake and a regret lies and how often the two lands feel like the same city to me. The person I miss? SVG.

What’s something you wish you knew 3 years ago?
I wish I knew that love isn’t enough. Love is beautiful, poetic, grand, and all the romantic words but it does not save a relationship. It takes more than love for a relationship to blossom.

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