Perhaps

Note: I drafted this piece in 2020, finished it up in December 2021, and as 2022 approaches, I am sharing this. I’d like to propel myself into 2022 as someone who sticks up for herself, does not bandwagon for the sake of peace, and understands that losses are only losses if there are no lessons learned. I gently remark that I always learn something. Thank you for reading and enjoy.


I used to get lost in daydreams because I loved the possibilities of wondering what may happen and who I’ll become. Now, my daydreams are tiresome fantasies which no longer inspire or motivate. Perhaps, I got lost in my daydreams because I had a small spark of hope within me that they would grow from thoughts to a true reality for me.

Perhaps, we hold onto something we have desired and craved because we are human and want human connections. We are social creatures after all. Perhaps, I thought what I had wished for had come true. But, I forgot the notion of how we must be careful of what we wish for as not everything that glitters is gold and not all smiles are genuine.

I have grown severely tired of feeling I don’t belong anywhere. I thought, no, believed I had a place in this space but I was wrong. I’m not psychic nor am I overly confident, but I wish I could just know when I’m in the right place. I suppose that is life: figuring it out and learning along the way.

And here’s another thing about life. Life is not always a fun time. I have vehemently known that, always. But that does not change the impact of the disappointments I’ve experienced recently. Without divulging personal details, I am simply experiencing one of life’s rougher corners.

As I type and reflect, I’ll admit that yes, I know life is consistently fortuitous and perhaps, this was an accident waiting to happen. Perhaps, this was the dead end I needed to face to turn my life around and drive a new path. The unfamiliar is nerve-racking and feels like I’m grasping for someone’s hand in the dark. However, now, I’m not taking just anyone’s hand so that I can feel something. I’ve worked too hard to become who I am to falter at superficial sparring and meaningless materialistic matters.

In the past, all I did was run away from my problems. Escaping what I could and when I could was always the first and only option for me as I lacked confidence to confront my fearful emotions. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a young woman who knows her worth and I won’t change who I am to conform to what others expect of me. I’m not in high school anymore. I’m 27 and I deserve better.

As I reflect and review my words, I’m reminded of the quote, “You are exactly where you are meant to be.” I’m exactly where I meant to be even when it’s confusing and uncomfortable. Change is inevitable and growth doesn’t always feel like being granted a pair of wings and flying into the distance. Sometimes, growth feels like slow hesitation of back and forth steps with some pauses in between. Sometimes, growth happens after you cry an embarrassing amount over a tacky and frivolous situation.

Another lesson I learned is that bravery takes practice and pressure is required. When voicing your opinion, especially one that is unpopular and undesired with the current crowd, it can feel daunting and isolating. But your voice is yours, not anyone else’s. Perhaps, I could have expressed myself better in a gentler and softer manner then. However, I still stand by what I said then, today. If I don’t speak up for myself, who will? And is there ever a matter too small of a stance to defend?

Perhaps, that point in time was pithy and petty. But as I reflect on it now, with time passed, there is additionally a particular lesson to take away. Sticking to my morals and beliefs may cause temporary loneliness but it is so rewarding to not change myself or do something I was not comfortable with because at the end of the day, my value is not defined by what others think of me.

Perhaps, my ego was bruised and my feelings were immaturely injured a year ago. Now, I can confidently say I am absolutely grateful for what happened in the past as it taught me multiple lessons. If I could tell my 26-year-old self something, it would be these two sentiments: Never make yourself a victim. Hold onto your virtues.

On that note, I look forward to 2022. How about yourself? I know it’s going to be bold, sparkling, and undeniably brilliant! Happy Holidays and Happy New Year, everyone!

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25

I softly reminisce about the days I lived in a one-bedroom apartment with my mom, my two little sisters, and a being I would prefer not to give a proper name. I was at the age where my homework was studying for the spelling test every Friday. Once, my sweet mother was helping me learn to spell the word, “author”. She kindly gave me a hint that it was the name of a character I had regularly watched on TV. She meant Arthur. Second grade was the grade where my teacher told my mom during the parent-teacher conference that I talked too much. That hasn’t changed.

In the third grade, I discovered my love for cheese pizza and learned that I needed to close my mouth when I chewed food. It was in the fourth grade where I learned to not rudely and abruptly interrupt people who were having a conversation. Fifth grade was the beginning of a long and embarrassing struggle of trying to fit in with what’s cool until I was in high school and realized that every household had different incomes. If I could go back in time, I wish I didn’t wear my neighbor’s old squeaky pair of Jordan’s just so that I could feel ‘cool’ or ‘normal’. I was always fed, had my own room and bed to sleep in, the lights always stayed on, but I didn’t realize what was truly important at that time. Now, I do.

I remember thinking that at 21 years old, I’d be living by myself, paying for my own cable and other bills, and officially be a grown-up.

Now, I am turning 25… paying bills is not as fun as I thought it would be and cable is no longer a thing of my generation. Then comes the question of would I consider myself a grown-up? No, at least, not yet. I’ve still got so much to figure out and learn, and more importantly, many more mistakes to make. And the funny thing about life is that we don’t know that we’ve made a mistake until after the repercussions arrive and we have to face the consequences. Do I need to list 24 mistakes and one big lesson I’ve learned? No, I’d be reiterating the entirety of my blog, ha! But one thing I’d like to repeat is that I believe everything happens for a reason.

Every. Single. Thing.

From me staying up all night on anime forums and attempting to get my animation skills up to the Pixar standard to switching high schools back and forth to working the various jobs before I landed my current position. Even though I am entering my mid-20’s, I deeply believe I’ll carry my childhood with me for decades to come. As a child, I lived in daydreams of worlds beyond this planet and I still find myself in random reveries from time to time.

As I reflect on my childhood, which had various epochs that I know still influence my present-day personality, it makes me ponder about what of my 20’s and 30’s will carry onto my 50’s and 60’s.

A significant yet odd era of my teenage years was the period where I was not genuine nor was I true to myself. I ached to fit in with my peers and felt the pressure to do and say things I did not completely align with just to feel accepted, or so I thought. Those days feel like a fragment of my imagination because it is such a sharp contrast to my current reality. I believe life is too short to be anyone but yourself. I wish 14-year-old me knew this, but no 14-year-old knows everything. But that’s the beauty of life, it is the journey of learning and experiencing.

I experienced x, y, and a thousand other z’s, and yet I continue to yearn to learn more. It’s not over because it’s really just beginning. My mentality and mannerisms are two significant aspects I’m constantly evaluating so that I can evolve as a friend, a sister, a daughter, an employee, and the list goes on. My mind will not stop blooming for I have many more seasons and sunrises to see. I am excited, to say the least, to be 25 and truly thrive in life!

Thank you for reading!