I’m not a depressed person, I have depression. My depression doesn’t own me. I have light and hope inside of me, but in between the spaces where light cannot enter, these are my somber thoughts.
I’ve been wallowing in my depression. I fell into a well. It’s frigid and light is faint. I let the sadness soak into my skin and I cower at the concept of allowing anyone in. Hours after midnight, I almost always drown in my thoughts. My room is dark, but my thoughts are darker. I let the despair trickle down from my lips. It can be felt by the cold sting of the words I spew, if only what I said to others was supple like dew.
Others watch as they stand by, if only they could know how I feel when I hide my dismay with humor. I just wish my so called “friends” would reach out sooner.
In my mind, the weather has never been gloomier. In my mind, I wish to not exist. In my mind, I wish not to be here. To escape, I sleep. I sleep to avoid the world. I sleep to avoid the pain. But, my sadness soaks into my sheets. My white bed darkens with the weight of my sorrow. When I sleep, I do not wish to see tomorrow.
It would be easy to make this all a blame game. Depression is an imbalance in the brain, so I’m chemically wired to not be sane. I grow tired of sayings such as, “Just be happy. Smile! Choose happiness.” Depression has no simple fix, it is not a situation one can quickly nix.
I push people away before they put me away. It’s not right, I know. The more I lose pieces of me, the less friends I have close to me. My fear of being alone has become reality. I question when was the exact moment I went from being a symbol of strength to a state of fragility. When my anger merged with my misery, it diminished my optimism and vivacity. I have dreams but can never seem to get out of my hole. Despite my vices, I don’t feel whole. It’s not happiness that I desire, simply not being depressed is my goal.
Author’s note: This May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Please, take a moment out of your day and genuinely reach out to someone. You do not have to save them – we all have our own demons to conquer – but to listen and not judge, that would be immensely appreciated. Also, take time for yourself. It’s okay to seek professional help – it’s okay not to be okay – and there are trained professionals who can help. Mental health is important just as our physical health.
I have to thank the subreddit /r/depression. I’ve found solace during my darkest moments. The feeling of being alone dissipates when I find that there are others who share my sorrows. I’ve been working on this post for months and while it remains true, I hope to see the day where depression is in my past and not my present.