I often wonder when we would meet, if ever.
I wish we never ever met.
I hate you for not being there for me all these days.
I hate you for being there in all the wrong ways.
I wish you never left. I wish you stayed. I’ll admit that I see you as the knight who never was the hero — the person who could have saved me from the dragon — but I suppose you were another battle I had to fight. This fairytale I write of you being the alternative ending to my distorted reality — I hold onto this false hope — but perhaps you are a dragon, too. Your missing presence adds to my story and my strength. I made cards for a father who would never hold and cherish the papers. I write letters that will never be seen or held, as I to you.
I wish you left me alone. You stayed far too long. You are overdue company — a guest who’s stayed unrightfully for ages in my abode. You were a false knight in shining armor. You concealed your malicious scales — silver I confused for your suit of armor — and revealed yourself to be a grotesque dragon. A witch casted a spell which turned you sadistic and now I’m another girl who’s a proven statistic. I wish there were potions for us both to be cured — me of your toxic touch, and you of your morbid mind.
Because of you, I live life questioning if I’ll ever find you. If I could, I’d ask you how you had the audacity to leave a woman you loved and a child you brought into this world. My childhood curiosity remains an enigma to this moment and time. The answer may sting and my eyes might swell but I’ve built myself to be a warrior, not a worrier.
Because of you, I live life in fear because I know there are men like you. Even if I could, I wouldn’t ask you how you had the audacity to rob a child of her innocence and destroy her childhood. There are no justifiable reasons to excuse your abominable behavior. You stained my soul when you tarnished my body with your corrupt touch.
I wish you taught me how to ride a bike — all my friends learned from their fathers. Maybe you taught my half-siblings in Canada.
I wish you never taught me to triple check that my bedroom door is locked at night. Maybe I’ll keep this habit forever.
I wish you were here to show me all the good there is in this world.
I wish you had never shown me what sins exist in this world.
To you both: Some lessons in life are learned in the most undesirable ways. I value learning and wisdom, so in this twisted manner, I have to thank you two. Thank you for teaching me the disappointing lesson that we should never have expectations for anyone, not even our own parents. I do not need a father or a father figure in my life. Thank you for not being there and thank you for not doing what was right, because I’ve learned to be tenacious and I doubled my ferocity to be what you could not.
Sincerely Not Your Daughter,
Author’s Note: This post is an old Tumblr post I’ve revamped. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the original post. It could possibly be deleted or is lost in my archives. The italicized lines are for my biological father and non-italicized are for my stepfather. This is a personal post for me but I felt it was necessary to be vulnerable and honest with my emotions and thoughts. I hope you enjoy and as always, thank you for reading.