It’s officially been one year since I’ve moved back home. Before this anniversary, there have been more than several moments where I am struck with an uncomfortable thought. It’s the realization of how I haven’t softened and if anything, I’ve remained rigid and restricted. I’ve reflected on the past several months about the woman I aspire to be – the person I am working myself to become – just to realize I am nowhere close.
To put it simply, I feel that I am regressing. Unknowingly, the cold suit of armor I had not asked to wear has been reapplied on me. I’ve been on guard, two fold, and though I feel protected with my weapons, I cannot deny the feeling of loneliness.
I must state this – I do not fear being alone and independent. I fear only when the capacity to handle the feeling of being lonely reaches its limit and I am left with anger, tears, regret, and fear.
Fear of the darkness consuming me and the forbidden thoughts appear. Fear of allowing those menacing thoughts to be my reality.
I forget I am human and not a steel mechanical robot. Perhaps, in another life, I will be less fearful and more forgiving.
If there was a genie to grant me one wish, I would wish to be softer. I wish I could let people in and trust them, too. I wish I would stop running away from potential friends and lovers. Being vulnerable brings about numerous fears and the stakes are high. Being vulnerable continues to be the task at hand – a task I find myself attempting but failing.
But, being vulnerable is the epitome of the human experience. Being vulnerable means taking chances, making mistakes, but also making memories and creating relationships that fill our souls. I constantly sway on this pendulum of going back and forth with vulnerability. Curious, I’ll take one step out, and with the flashbacks of my past of being hurt and wronged, I take that same step back.
In the realm of wizardry and wonder, I could become fearless and take every risk without fear with simply a spell and the flick of a wand.
However, this is the real world, and in the real world, there are no mystical genies. There is no potion I can ingest to eradicate all the walls I’ve built. But, however, perhaps the magic of it all is that I don’t need a genie, spells, or any type of sorcery. No witchcraft is needed and I also don’t need to wait for my next life to be who I wish to be. I often forget that we, as individuals, have the power to do so much without the help of anyone or anything. I may have a cold suit of armor on but it is not my skin, it’s merely a shield and a removable one at that.
Thank you for reading.
* I also wanted to wish my dear friend, Andrew Scott H., a happy birthday. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life and thank you for staying in my life. You’ve seen me at my most embarrassingly vulnerable moments and have never loved me less. Being vulnerable with you is easy and never a regret. Happy birthday, my old friend.