Tag Archives: svg

Hindsight

Crunch. False emeralds shatter swiftly. I feign strength and go the length to keep up the act, hiding the fact that I wish I could throw an ax at the green-eyed monster I’ve raised in my mental pasture. I thought I grew past her. But I am her and she is me. I foraged the forest of past memories and “past me” passed me. I saw her and I saw you, I saw us and what once was, but when I think about now, I see you, and I see how I’m not with you.

Oh, jealousy, jealousy, how she gets the best of me. I don’t know where this strange twist of emotion sprouted from but it’s a wild garden overgrown and I lack the strength to trim it. To muster the courage to pluck the greenery of nothing good means facing the truth that these seeds came from a secret somber place I sullenly admit exists…the dark side of my moon in Pisces. I too sulk in and with my shadows. Specks of the tainted moon dust, not meant to be shared or bloomed, I had been throwing at the thoughts of missing you, not knowing that they’d grow into something that seems unmanageable. 

Should I set it ablaze? Set the land on fire with burning painful intentions, set off by sparks of unhappiness, and let the bitter ashes of loneliness surround you as it does me? Knowing sentimental me, I would gather the ashes and encapsulate the residuals of the scorched memories, frame what we once had, and keep it in my museum of regrets and hard lessons. With the nearly white ashes I spot, I round up what I can and put it in a snow globe, forever having a crystal clear view of how my feelings and actions bring disaster to my sense of peace. This is one snow globe I need not shake. 

I rue, I think, I flash potential outcomes in my mind but never placing any expectations as I’m not owed any situations or conversations. Questions fill the room with no answers to set it all free. 

Will I hurt myself? Will I embarrass myself? Do I dare? Do you even care? It’s a glass I dare not break.

I dare not say,
I wish I might,
I wish I may,
be a part of your life again.

In hindsight, I’d know all the procedures and steps to take us back to where we were once upon a time. 
In hindsight, I’d know how to rewrite history so that we may have a happily ever after. 

But when I think back to those past moments, in our last moments, I followed my heart and now my mind reeks of desperation, yearning for a friendship that has gone sour. I followed my heart and then you unfollowed me. Failed birthday texts showed me a new kind of misery.

I watch your life in screens, a contrast to when we used to scream to songs I no longer play. I tap to see more. I wonder when and if I’d ever get to tap into your mind and life as I once was so solid in your thoughts and heart. Now, I sit wondering if I’m see-through to you. Is anything getting through to you? I ask as I do no more than what an acquaintance does: casual, superficial, low effort attempts of scratching for something more. I should know better than to stand at a sealed door. I put my hand in a fist, not to fight, but to knock on what I once closed. Isn’t it embarrassing to want what you once pushed away so adamantly? Inches away from pounding, in preparation of asking, I drop my fist. I turn, with my back to the door, look down, and cower in worry and low self-esteem. Everything is not what it seems.

I wonder what I’ll think in 3 years as it’ll be 10 years since my anxiety and disappointment got the best and worst of me, that fated formal night. 

Since then, I got comfortable in the distance, the sight of you in my mind is what I had. 

Since then, that sight devolved into only the thought of you, slowly shifting to the back of my mind, simply out of sight. Out of sight and out of mind, I forget us like I had to prove a point. Somehow, somewhere, memories flash as reminders of where we used to be. I suppose I never did truly forget us. Not after all this time. Time passes and we’re far from where we once were, so does this give me a pass? Am I excused? Am I forgiven?

It’s a pity that the pithy and painful truth is something I’ve always known: there are consequences to my actions. I didn’t remember that truth when I spewed my true feelings at you. Consequences, consequences. Some are immediate, some are delayed, and then some come crashing years later, with twice the regret and thrice the sorrow. In a private trice, will you grant me a truce?

Consequences, consequences. The impact lingers and the regret never stopped haunting me. A mere modicum of modesty would lead me to stop my intrusive thoughts and settle on the one where I shall never regret following my heart, ever, and I don’t, and I also regret the way I went about it.

The garden of envy and jealousy seems unmanageable on the days I feel too down to look up. In May 2019, I wrote this for you.

I watered areas of my mind I had let dry up. I embraced the warmth and love of my closest friends. I planted small seeds of hope though I wasn’t sure what would bloom, or if anything would sprout. I plucked petals of daisies, wondering, “Will they forgive me? Will they not?”

Days turn into months.

I revisited the garden of my mind, pleasantly surprised at what I planted had now bloomed. Bushes I had left in a mess became fuller and greener, for I had changed my perspective of what had happened and who you were into a brighter and softer picture.

Our memories are dependent on our moods. On my bad days, I resented you. On my better days, I missed you. These days, I have more good days than not. Even on the days I’m not feeling my best, I now reminisce on our best days as best friends.

Reminiscing softly has turned into ruminating sorely. Now, all I wish is that we could share more than mutual friends. I’m 29 and still growing up, I am not where I’ve been, for I have not been with you in such a long time. I wish I was innocent. I wish the guilt gone and that I would move on. I carry the nostalgia like a warning note for I fear repeating the same action as I fear my character rusting and letting everyone down. Maybe because it’s fall and the cold has seeped deeper into my bones. My mind changed like the weather and I wonder whether or not I’m deserving of your friendship ever again. Maybe not, maybe not.

Seasons come and go and change is all I know for certain, but what I don’t know for certain is what rank of your mind and heart I’m in. Please don’t clarify that curiosity. I know it’s low and it’s low of me to ponder such placement. It’s all very plainly embarrassing. I’m 29 and still growing up, still wishing you love, still wishing you and your mom great health, still wishing you happiness, and…I’ll be still here, rueing in hindsight.

Last question, can you pick me up like the old times and can we pick up from where we last left off?

Sincerely, me.

28: Self-Interview

Hello! I’ve decided to conduct a self-interview with questions I’ve conjured at random on days I can’t recall specifically. By the way, I turn 28 today!

Why do you like “ratchet music” so much? Examples of songs you’re keen on?
Ha! First off, shout out to all the producers and lyricists who have created many of my favorites such as Freek-A-Leek, Candy Shop, Taste, Big Bank… it’s the momentum of the beats that instantly put me in a good mood and sometimes, the vulgar lyrics make me pop out a smile when I’m not in the best mood. This music pumps me up during gym sessions, makes me excited and then I sway to the rhythm, oh, it’s a wonder how music can lift our spirits. Music is an undeniable art and I appreciate the musical artists who are embedded in the routines of girls while we get ready to go out, while we drive in our cars, while we pump iron, and while we make memories with friends. I hope I never tire of this sound.

What are your favorite words?
Kerfuffle: it’s a string of silly sounds that is informal slang for commotion, but I often use it in place of squabble. I do like the word squabble, but since I discovered kerfuffle, squabble remains in my mind and not by the tongue. The word blossom comes to mind because one, I love flowers, and two, it reminds me of the beauty and progression of nature. Flowers blossom when they’ve been planted, watered, nourished, and have the will and strength to open and showcase their beauty to the world. When I think of myself, I hope to blossom, especially after a chaotic and madly painful period of circumstances.

List your insecurities: physical and characteristic. 
My physical insecurities are endless!! The size of my hands, the bunions on my feet, the pores of my nose, my acne scars, the oiliness of my skin, and all the details of my face. One thing I have noticed is that, in comparison to my younger years, the intensity of my insecurities seem to be subdued. They are still there and creep around in my mind but I take a more proactive approach these days. I’ve been consuming more protein and putting actual effort in the gym, pushing myself to run and lift more.

In terms of characteristic insecurities, I know I have much to work on when it comes to my ego, my spending habits, and my haste. I love instant gratification. Sometimes, I think I lack hope for the far future and what’s in the unknown space of tomorrow, next week, and the coming months. Despite how much I plan, I don’t know what the next day of my life will be like. I have had my faith be tested and disappointment hurts and is not a beat one can become numb to, regardless of how many repetitions of the somber sound I hear.

When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?
When I was able to do a shoulder press with 30-pound dumbbells on each arm.

Last embarrassing moment.
I have had many. I try to not get embarrassed these days because life is short and the world does not revolve around me, but this is a tough task for me. So… I was last embarrassed when I was done speaking with someone in the office, I looked down and saw that my fly was open. I zipped it up and told myself to not wear those pants anymore and also not overstuff myself with free lunch!

What experiences are you looking forward to?
Moving back to Southern California, in due time, when the moment is right, and when I am financially ready. It is a goal I cannot give up on.

Going to Korea and Japan.

Running a 5K. I’ve yet to sign up but as someone who once hated running and any form of cardio, this is a big deal for me! I was looking into one after I finally did 3 miles on a treadmill. Took me an hour, but hey! We all start somewhere.

List 2 interests of yours:
Death. It is so permanent yet it’s an ending that never ends. When people we know, loved ones we once shared space with, people we once saw with our bare eyes, become a name on a stone, I wonder. When a breath of their name can still be blown into the wind, was death truly the final blow?

I do not fear death
For when it is my time, it shall be
When it is meant for me, it is called destiny 

Fate does not wait. Fate runs the film of our worlds endlessly without hesitation and suspension. Fate cannot be stopped or fought as no one’s next breath is guaranteed. When I accepted this, I was freed. Life lives through me and I live life through this magnificent manifestation mixture of my mind, body, and soul. Our bodies are merely containers for our unnamed souls. When the vessel that shelters my spirit unwinds, only then shall I find myself twisted with the winds, mixing with the air, swaying with the spirits whom I know not their names, but only the energy they omit. 

I think my version of death is when one is forgotten, with no story attached to our name, and our name has no significance. Now, that is truly the end.

Theatre. I love watching live talent! It amazes me what people can do, and do well at that, and in front of an audience multiple times with the same consistency. The way they sing, prance and dance around, deliver lines with care and passion, and how people give their all into a character and the story, plot, and message. I saw a local play recently in person. I need to go to more plays. I would love to see Hamilton and Wicked live.

Describe the person you miss.
One lesson I have learned is that the bridges I burned, in the past, kept me warm but only temporarily.

In my early 20’s, cutting people out of my life was the only protection I knew well. I ran away often, crying victim and blaming the other party, clearing my name of guilt and wrong actions. I trusted my cold emotions, poured fluid on friendships, and set a fire to offset my winter heart. There were flames in my eyes. Looking back, it was a heat fueled by anger and anxiety. As I approach my 30’s, I revisit the bridges that now lead to nowhere, and I gaze at the debris of my destructive past.

The ashes of what once was has long floated away with the winds, the rain and snow, for time has done its job. The memories now dust, paid no mind, and solely mine to sweep away, as the distance grows between what I once shared with people who once were in my life. I often wonder where the line between a mistake and a regret lies and how often the two lands feel like the same city to me. The person I miss? SVG.

What’s something you wish you knew 3 years ago?
I wish I knew that love isn’t enough. Love is beautiful, poetic, grand, and all the romantic words but it does not save a relationship. It takes more than love for a relationship to blossom.

Regret, Regrowth, and a Promise

Regrets

As 2019 budded into Spring, I reflected and realized how some of the toxic roots that I unknowingly planted in 2017 had sprouted as poisonous plants in the garden of my mind. Now, I’ve decided to weed those habits and thoughts out of my head before the heat of the summer sun warms up all the wrong and twisted vines.

One specific incident with one specific person has taught me one incredibly vivid lesson: maybe, you didn’t hurt me as much as I had thought back then, and that maybe, I was clouded by my selfishness and my need of you to be there for me and what I found to be more virtuous and vital is that no friend ever hurts you willingly.

I did not think to look at your intentions because I was too focused on the indentations on my ego. My ego said, “You should have been there for me.” But what I didn’t realize yet was that I was in a fog and couldn’t see your light, so I thought you weren’t coming to find me and you did not care. What I realize now, is that fog is thick, and if I had reached harder to find your intentions, I would have found your light had I waited just the right amount of time.

But… I wasn’t patient. My ego said, “You should have been there for me.” I was selfish and kept count of the times I had been there for you, but a true friend does not keep count of the good they do for their friends. I’ve always denied the existence of karma and here I was, holding what I’ve done for others against them. I wasn’t ready to admit that I had expectations of friends returning the favor immediately and accordingly to my desires.

Now, my heart says, “I miss you.”

My mind admits, “I’m embarrassed and I regret losing you.”

I’ve learned a lot from my friendships. But, I’ve learned the most when those friendships cease to exist. To the person this post is about, I wish I had the courage to tell you this but I’m not ready…yet. Until then, I wrote this for you. Hope you’re well.

Regrowth

I watered areas of my mind I had let dry up. I embraced the warmth and love of my closest friends. I planted small seeds of hope though I wasn’t sure what would bloom, or if anything would sprout. I plucked petals of daisies, wondering, “Will they forgive me? Will they not?”

Days turn into months.

I revisited the garden of my mind, pleasantly surprised at what I planted had now bloomed. Bushes I had left in a mess became fuller and greener, for I had changed my perspective of what had happened and who you were into a brighter and softer picture.

Our memories are dependent on our moods. On my bad days, I resented you. On my better days, I missed you. These days, I have more good days than not. Even on the days I’m not feeling my best, I now reminisce on our best days as best friends.

It took some time and some trimming but I’m proud of where I am now mentally and emotionally.

A Promise

Some say they hate receiving flowers as gifts because flowers die. But some things don’t last forever to teach us the lesson of valuing what we have now. We must appreciate the sweet scent of life’s flora while we can. Worrying about tomorrow steals the precious moment of the present.

Losing you made me realize that I cannot keep pushing people away when I feel vulnerable or hurt. Losing you made me realize I have to change the way I react to situations that are uncomfortable and at times, painful. Now, I promise to be less reactive and more patient. I promise to hold onto the ones I love a little harder and give second chances to those deserving of it, a notion I never really believed in or thought I’d say or type.

In life, all we have are the memories we share with each other. How we make others feel, the impact people have on us, and the laughter we share–that is what life is about.

Thank you for reading.