Note: I drafted this piece in 2020, finished it up in December 2021, and as 2022 approaches, I am sharing this. I’d like to propel myself into 2022 as someone who sticks up for herself, does not bandwagon for the sake of peace, and understands that losses are only losses if there are no lessons learned. I gently remark that I always learn something. Thank you for reading and enjoy.
I used to get lost in daydreams because I loved the possibilities of wondering what may happen and who I’ll become. Now, my daydreams are tiresome fantasies which no longer inspire or motivate. Perhaps, I got lost in my daydreams because I had a small spark of hope within me that they would grow from thoughts to a true reality for me.
Perhaps, we hold onto something we have desired and craved because we are human and want human connections. We are social creatures after all. Perhaps, I thought what I had wished for had come true. But, I forgot the notion of how we must be careful of what we wish for as not everything that glitters is gold and not all smiles are genuine.
I have grown severely tired of feeling I don’t belong anywhere. I thought, no, believed I had a place in this space but I was wrong. I’m not psychic nor am I overly confident, but I wish I could just know when I’m in the right place. I suppose that is life: figuring it out and learning along the way.
And here’s another thing about life. Life is not always a fun time. I have vehemently known that, always. But that does not change the impact of the disappointments I’ve experienced recently. Without divulging personal details, I am simply experiencing one of life’s rougher corners.
As I type and reflect, I’ll admit that yes, I know life is consistently fortuitous and perhaps, this was an accident waiting to happen. Perhaps, this was the dead end I needed to face to turn my life around and drive a new path. The unfamiliar is nerve-racking and feels like I’m grasping for someone’s hand in the dark. However, now, I’m not taking just anyone’s hand so that I can feel something. I’ve worked too hard to become who I am to falter at superficial sparring and meaningless materialistic matters.
In the past, all I did was run away from my problems. Escaping what I could and when I could was always the first and only option for me as I lacked confidence to confront my fearful emotions. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a young woman who knows her worth and I won’t change who I am to conform to what others expect of me. I’m not in high school anymore. I’m 27 and I deserve better.
As I reflect and review my words, I’m reminded of the quote, “You are exactly where you are meant to be.” I’m exactly where I meant to be even when it’s confusing and uncomfortable. Change is inevitable and growth doesn’t always feel like being granted a pair of wings and flying into the distance. Sometimes, growth feels like slow hesitation of back and forth steps with some pauses in between. Sometimes, growth happens after you cry an embarrassing amount over a tacky and frivolous situation.
Another lesson I learned is that bravery takes practice and pressure is required. When voicing your opinion, especially one that is unpopular and undesired with the current crowd, it can feel daunting and isolating. But your voice is yours, not anyone else’s. Perhaps, I could have expressed myself better in a gentler and softer manner then. However, I still stand by what I said then, today. If I don’t speak up for myself, who will? And is there ever a matter too small of a stance to defend?
Perhaps, that point in time was pithy and petty. But as I reflect on it now, with time passed, there is additionally a particular lesson to take away. Sticking to my morals and beliefs may cause temporary loneliness but it is so rewarding to not change myself or do something I was not comfortable with because at the end of the day, my value is not defined by what others think of me.
Perhaps, my ego was bruised and my feelings were immaturely injured a year ago. Now, I can confidently say I am absolutely grateful for what happened in the past as it taught me multiple lessons. If I could tell my 26-year-old self something, it would be these two sentiments: Never make yourself a victim. Hold onto your virtues.
On that note, I look forward to 2022. How about yourself? I know it’s going to be bold, sparkling, and undeniably brilliant! Happy Holidays and Happy New Year, everyone!