Let’s just be honest. Brutally honest. I haven’t been happy the past two years. My junior year of college was filled with sickness, sorrow, and strangely, heavy insecurity. Now, my senior year just seems to be a constant cycle of stress.
My first two years of college I was unbelievably naive, ignorant, and carefree. Now, I would like to think that I’ve gotten wiser, stronger, and better. However, for an unexplainable reason, I’ve never felt more sad and lost.
For a moment, I thought I blossomed and became more confident. But something happened in the middle of my junior year where I felt more insecure than ever. I felt so (and still do) disconnected with my physical appearance and the way I felt about myself. With time, I felt like who I was on the outside did not match up with the way I thought I looked, so gradually, I felt more and more like a stranger within my own skin.
What got lost in translation?
The old me.
I think I was shedding a layer of who I used to be and that change was hard because I was conflicted with going back to who I was comfortable with and knew well to becoming the person I needed to be: an improved Lynn. Before, I was not stressed out as much because there were very little things that were priorities of mine. I didn’t care as much as before, which provokes the thought: is ignorance truly bliss? I was happier back then, but I wasn’t nearly as “good” as I am now.
Did I sacrifice my happiness to be a better person? As someone who no longer desires to consume alcohol or attend parties, I came to the conclusion that I haven’t let myself be happy. I refuse to take part in “temporary escapes” because I know that my problems will still be there when I wake up. I don’t let myself relax for too long because I know there’s always something to do and no one is going to do it but myself. Or maybe, I just don’t want to be like the old me again.
So I’ve been in a rut for almost two years. So what?
Two years is nothing compared to the rest of my life. Maybe I’m not as confident about myself because I’m working on myself and I’m not yet ready to show the world who I am because she’s currently in development. I’m officially an individual who is a public work in progress who put her priorities over her happiness. Will this hurt me or better me? We shall see. Stay tuned.