Hesitant. Resistant. Doubtful. That’s how I felt about love before I met you. I’ve always known love to be intrinsic and irrefutable, however I didn’t know if it was for me.
When I met you, I felt something I rarely felt. As someone riddled with anxiety, an aspect of myself that is consistently unpredictable with no stability, I felt certainty with you. The universe made sense in that epoch for me. But as I reflect and reconfigure my perspective to be a bit more pragmatic, I realize we were star-crossed lovers; there was happiness and hardships for us written across the night sky.
I thank you for being someone I relied on – I know you never lied and you comforted me in your own unique and genuine gestures. Like a jester, you made me laugh with your stories and silliness. I waited for someone like you and then I found myself wading in the waves of something precious and divine. “My angel,” I called you at one point in time.
Being with you felt like being on vacation…I looked forward to the weekends of us, your childhood stories, and basking in our once upon a time budding love. The water was clear and warm so I had no fear of swimming in the ocean of you. That’s how the experience of falling in love with you was: welcoming and effortless.
And suddenly, in the same manner, without an effort or a second thought, you’d strike an arrow of pain towards me. Your overt honesty was never subtle or ever supple enough to express your thoughts without harm or hurt. Stunned and silent, I’d often wonder if it was my fault that you hurt me. How did the pain feel as pounding and serious as my love for you? Confused and conflicted, I wondered when the sunny beaches of our love lost its light and then, I saw only dark water and felt wintry winds. I frequently and faithfully danced in the daydreams of our fairytale future but now I tread lightly in this unfamiliar sea alone. You felt like family to me but now, the map I hold no longer has your name as the treasure I seek. New lands, new adventures, and new chapters will be explored as I navigate new days without you.
Love comes with lessons. You taught me that I’m more than worthy of love. I deserve love, actually, we both do. Love remains real and obtainable, even if we didn’t remain side by side. Love remains true, as what I feel for you could never be etched as a lie. In fleeting and soon to be fading daydreams, I will fondly think of you and I. In my daydreams, love could cure all ailments and we wouldn’t be apart. I’d be with you, hand in hand, going towards the thrills of life together. Stability and security would not ever be questioned or doubted. However, I am 27 now and I know better than to be a permanent resident of my daydreams. I was in the clouds with you but now…my feet touch the ground. My overactive imagination can be dangerous as it can lie and glint gold when truly, nothing of value is to be sought after in this current setting and time.
I remind myself that this post-relationship pain just shows how much I can love and care for someone. I am not heartless and I won’t give up on love. Love is real and I will find it again. The universe has something more beautiful and magical for me. What I seek is out there: a love that goes beyond the multilayered cells of my skin, a love that is deep like the core of my soul, a love where I am free, a love that permeates beyond my name and ego, beyond the atoms that make up my physical, beyond the lightyears of the stars and space, and beyond this lifetime.
What is meant for me will be—that’s called destiny.
The unknown I do not fear or hate for I leave it all up to fate.
I am patient, I can wait. Destiny is always on time, she’s never late.
I am light, I am free, I have no weight.
No pressure, no expectations, just simply guided to my spiritual destinations.
I ask and receive what the universe has planned for me,
I may not always get what I ask for at first
because I am getting better, to put it simply.
My heart is full of appreciation, it might burst.
The list of what I am grateful for is long,
I am too solid to be strung along.
I am no puppet and I am not dumb,
I am done.
Everything I have now is preparing me for what’s to come:
more happy trips around the sun.