If you wish to begin a soul-searching journey, start with a personality test. I enjoy taking personality tests because it allows me to dive into my own introspection. In high school, I remember taking this personality test and my result was first ENFJ. I also recall taking the test over and over again as the years strolled along to see if my results ever changed: they didn’t. I was prideful of my personality type due to the fact that only 3% of people in the United States share my personality type, including Oprah Winfrey and President Barack Obama!

However, recently, truthfully, a few days ago, I took this test again, and I got a different result. I was adamant about being ENFJ because who doesn’t want to be the same as Oprah!? Alas, I am no longer the same personality type as one of my role models. I went from being ENFJ to ENTJ.

“The Teacher” became “The Commander”.

Without extending this post to an excessive length, I’d like to share several points that made me gasp due to the shocking factor of how significantly true it is for me.

• ENTJs see inefficiency not just as a problem in its own right, but as something that pulls time and energy away from all their future goals, an elaborate sabotage consisting of irrationality and laziness. People with the ENTJ personality type will root out such behavior wherever they go.
• Ever the high achievers, ENTJ subordinates set out to learn new skills and to seek out new challenges and responsibilities, eager to prove that nothing is impossible with a little hard work. If things get a little slow, ENTJ personalities may slip into periods of absent-mindedness, but when they feel involved in the projects around them, they prove well-organized and well prioritized.
• As in most aspects of their lives, in friendship, ENTJs seek personal growth and inspiration, and they often have a plan for how to accomplish it. Friendships of circumstance, built on things like shared routines, are not ENTJs’ preferred method – rather, they pursue their friends, seek out individuals who share their passion for deep, meaningful discussions, and who enjoy learning and development as much as they do. It is not always easy to be ENTJs’ friends – they demand a lot from these relationships – but they pay a great deal of attention to their friendships, and it is unlikely that it will ever feel stagnant.
• Among colleagues, ENTJs are sociable and greatly enjoy sharing ideas and critiques in their frequent brainstorming sessions. Natural leaders that they are, ENTJs tend to assert themselves into positions as representatives and project leads, considering their objectivity and charisma the perfect qualities for these roles. ENTJ personalities enjoy working with equals, but people must demonstrate that they are equals – anyone ENTJs view as being less competent or driven will see only condescension and arrogance.
• ENTJs are strong-willed, even dominant, and though they enjoy inspiring and tutoring others, the energy they bring to the process can seem overbearing. When these roles are reversed, ENTJs’ mentors should bear in mind that their students are very rational and respect firm confidence – hand-holding, emotional appeals or wavering indecision will likely burn the bridge then and there. In a partnership, what is best is what is most effective, and time wasted sugarcoating reality is just that – time wasted.

I encourage everyone to take this test, if they have not already, and share the results with friends and family, introspection must be spread!

In my last post, I wrote that I always feel like a failure. That’s because I have endless expectations for myself. It explains a lot – how I judge others is how I judge myself. The way that I’ve set these standards for others is how I set the standard for myself, as well.

As a goal-orientated person, I have an aptitude to get tasks done, as much as I can, but with quality and purpose. Daily goals, monthly goals, lifetime goals, friendship goals, budgeting goals – I have them all. Do I meet all of them? Yes and no. Some goals, I do meet, but most of the time, I find myself halfway there or just barely missing the mark.

I believe the truth is hard to accept but necessary. So getting halfway to a goal is not reaching the goal. Being one minute late to an appointment is still being late. Going over budget by $5 is still going over budget. Looking at a book that I’ve been meaning to read does not count as reading it. Thinking about calling someone is not the same as actually calling them – there are situations where the thought does not count or matter.

Going from Level 15 to Level 5, or even worse, Level 1, can rip motivation out of anyone. I could be having the best week: being on time for everything, eating healthy, going to the gym often, calling my mother, working towards my goals, and without a doubt, feeling like I’m progressing as a person and flourishing in my personal relationships – and then this joyous car ride comes to halt. I’m late to work. I lie to a friend. I stumble on my words. I don’t get the grade I was expecting. I give myself one too many cheat meals. My routine reconstructs itself quickly in a manner where I feel like I’m decaying rather than blooming. Regression is a dance I regrettably wish I did not know so well.

As I transition from being a college student to a young adult, I’ve taken note that success is never a perfect ladder that one climbs. Only in our imagination can we ever think that life is just a video game – going from one place to another and keeping the strength we’ve earned at all times while knowing that we are able to defeat any adversary that comes along our way. Success is a scrambled path. We may start off at this corner, advance 10 steps, go back 5, advance 3, and revert 3 steps back. It’s never a game of hopscotch where we can see the next step. A common occurrence is that our path changes route and we are left with no map or compass to tell us how to get to the next level. Sometimes, we go all the way back to Square 1.

But the light in this situation is that even though I’m no longer at Level 15, at least I know that I can get to that level. If I can get to Level 15 then I’m more than positive that I can get to Level 20 or Level 30. Failure hints at success because I’m always one step closer to succeeding after I’ve tried something rather than not trying at all. Ideas can stay in my head but what good does that do? Change starts when we take what we have in our mind and make it into something that we can see and touch.

The world is an abundant source of fun, happiness, and light. But everyone knows that even if you can’t see the moon’s dark side, it’s there. With that said, this world is also filled with pain, despair, evil, and unavoidable demons.

Internally, there is a battle where I am a frequent fighter and I must confess that sometimes I feel like as if dark side has gotten the better of me. Those defeated days where I cannot feel sorrow, remorse, pity, guilt, or hope are the days where I think I’ve lost my all potential light. I know that in my light and shadow piece  I wrote that life is about balance, which it is, for me, but that does not mean the balance is always there. Balance is the goal.

However, things go askew. Feelings go awry. Passions can subside and instead, anger comes out. In physics, it is stated that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred. The law of conservation makes me ponder – where does all my positive energy go that results in me losing passion for people, places, activities, and the ideas and thoughts I once held onto so strongly and gave life to? Why does it feel like I am repeatedly left with only bad luck and bad energy?

In some religions, the fate of a person is decided after their death. One’s life must bypass judgement before a decision of heaven or hell is made. But for me, I’m my own worst critic and I judge myself constantly – am I good, decent, or twisted in a malicious manner? Well, I want this blog to be authentic, and as I expose my true self and inner thoughts, I’ve recognized that I do not believe I am a good person. But, I also believe that the world is not split into just good and evil – this Earth is not black and white. However, as I look into the colors of my character, the rapid swirling of my own yin and yang concludes to a result of little light. If I were to be in control of the gates of a divine afterlife for myself, right now, I would not gain entrance into those celestial boundaries. At this very moment, I have not done enough to deserve such a passage.

Those moments where the darkness consume me don’t last forever, but they last long enough for me to doubt the good human in me. Sometimes, I feel like the biggest struggle in my life is to have the good grow inside me because I’m rooted in not-so-good foundations. If there’s something that I feel nearly each day of my life, it would be the feeling of being a failure. I always feel as if I fall short of my own expectations that I bestowed upon myself. I disappoint myself immensely. However, failure, to me, is never a dead end. Failure teaches. Failure provides another opportunity to do it again better. Failure shows that I tried. Regardless of the fact that I have not yet succeeded in defeating my own demons, I will continue to try and even if I fail again, I know that I am trying and not surrendering to the dark side.

As an Advertising major, I’ve learned a lot about brands and rebranding. This Spring Semester, I’ve thought more about myself and my own brand. In a sense, this blog is the documentation of my mental and emotional rebranding of myself. I so strongly desire to be this woman of my own dreams and to obtain this image I’ve set for myself. It is mentally hard because I have to fight my current mentality and not the act the way I feel. I have to think before I act and not let my emotions affect my mannerisms.

Who am I?

I’m the words I say, the activities I partake in, the music I listen to, the food I eat, the company I share, and most importantly, what I do when no one is around. I’m an impulsive person – I run on my emotions, it can be seen in the words I lash out at others and my shopping behavior. I’m someone who trusts her gut instinct quite often. As an intuitive person, I’m not known to be the type that thinks before she speaks. I’ve noted this trait however, it’s not ingrained within me that I must watch what I say just yet. I’m someone who doesn’t plan to stay the same, I don’t ever desire to be listed as “predictable”.

What do I represent?

In a modest and humble way, I would say that I represent individuality, independence, and sometimes, strength. My individuality stems from the fact that I know that we are all born unique so that we never have to be anyone else. For quite some time, I looked at my fellow peers and felt the need to blend in with them, to feel normal, to feel accepted, to feel “okay”. However, that’s never the case. Now, I speak my mind and do what I want, which goes hand in hand with my independence. The independence I’ve developed hasn’t stopped growing, as a young girl who doesn’t mind doing things alone, it’s transformed me into someone who doesn’t need anyone. The mixture of individuality and independence has allowed me to become the strong woman I am now. I’ve conquered the battles I never thought I would win but the war never ends – I’m still fighting to be better.

What defines me?

If we’re referring to specific brands that define my brand, it would be: organic food, the color pink, Sensodyne, Sriracha, Apple, and Toyota. If it were words, words that define my brand are: loud, confident, humorous, sarcastic, and fun. If I were to be the weather for a specific day of the year, it would be when Summer just starts, but you can still feel Spring in the air. There aren’t much winds anymore, the sky with not a cloud in sight, but it’s not too hot, so you won’t sweat excessively. These aspects are part of my identity and if one or two aspects were taken away, I wouldn’t quite fully feel like myself.

However, if anyone knows anything about advertising, it must be known that a brand that stays the same forever is doomed for failure and termination. There’s always something to be changed and improved on, as the times change, so must a brand. I, myself, know that the current person I am, is not the brand I will remain forever. I’m not where I want to be or need to be and the work to build up a different brand image requires a tremendous amount of mental workshops and a change of attitude, too.

Now that I’ve rambled on and on about my brand, tell me, what’s your brand? Do you like where your brand is right now or do you want to reposition yourself into a better brand?

* This post is dedicated to and inspired by my Advertising professor, Keith Kesler. Because of him, I cannot ever look at a commercial the same way (and that’s a good thing). Thank you for everything you’ve taught me.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is how easy I can let go of relationships and people. I can cut off ties faster than I could ever mend them.

I’m comfortable in my routine of letting people go that being close to too many people makes me feel uncomfortable. To put it into perspective, let’s say that I am formulated to only be close to ‘X’ amount of people. If I become close to X+1 people, I start to feel frazzled. I don’t have a large circle and don’t ever plan to start. A dangerous thought that I always have is when someone annoys me or makes me enraged, I always think, “I don’t need you in my life and I can let go of you easy.”

Whenever someone crosses me, I cross them out of my life. We can go from being close to not talking anymore in seconds. I’ve never been the type to forgive or forget, so I can and will hold onto grudges until time ends. To be quite frank, there are people I plan to never talk to ever again once college ends. I know that as I depart Southern California and return to Northern California, there will be relationships that are doomed to rot. As expected, I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the ending of many friendships. However, this attitude is one I should not bring home. If I keep this up, how could I ever make new friends or keep current friends?

This year, as I’m trying to practice vulnerability, I am fighting the notion that people are disposable, that people are just objects that can be tossed away, and that I don’t need people in my life at all. It’s mentally unhealthy to always want to push people away and to stay a lone wolf. This mentality of running with scissors is dangerous and I could end up hurting myself, which inevitably does happen. I end up being stuck in my own captivity.

“While social networks are fundamentally and distinctively human, and ubiquitous, they should not be taken for granted.” – Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler

In my hasty moments of anger and bitterness, I have to remind myself that even though I want to be alone, loneliness is a feeling worse than the annoyance of companions. Friendship is something I should never take for granted. But, with the act of removing people out of my life like it’s the cool thing to do, it shows that I am taking people for granted, and that’s not right.

So, what’s left to do? Indeed, the first step is to learn to accept people’s flaws, because people will never change (in that ways I’d like them to), and I need to know that not everyone I meet is toxic. There are countless amounts of positive and great people that I’ve yet to let in my life because of my cautious ways. The road I’ve constructed for myself just lead to dead ends. The act of constantly playing it safe will lead me to a permanent pit stop. I can’t stop this car ride of life and friendship. I have to stop my habit of cutting off the engine and just drive.