Let’s Listen: Novacane

If anyone knows me, then they know that I love Frank Ocean. If anyone lives with me, then they know that this is my ringtone as of right now. Alongside “Pyramids”, Novacane is undeniably one of my favorite ballads from Frank.

One of the reasons why I simply adore Frank Ocean so much is because his songs are more than just catchy and easy-to-listen-to songs, they’re songs that dive deeper into the capabilities of music. They tell stories. They make you think. In this piece, Frank explained, in a BBC Sound of Music interview, that he was trying to articulate the feeling of someone trying to love you but you can’t feel it.

“Wanting to feel something that you can’t feel.” – Frank Ocean

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMfPJT4XjAI

We could work somewhere where we don’t really want to work – and end up hating it. Forcing yourself to love something or someone is wrong. We could try to pursue passions that people say we should, but only we know what are our true passions. Friends can assume we like something but they aren’t the ones who know if we feel the way they think we feel. Even if everything seems perfect, if it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not meant to be. There will come a time where it seems like the perfect person or opportunity comes along but something seems off – and then there’s this pressure to pursue it – but forcing love is never true love. Reciprocation is best when there’s two paths that meet together. No reciprocation on both ends means it’s a dead end from the start.

Let’s Laugh: The Rainbow Sponge

If you’re ever having a bad day, watch this video! This woman taught me that some pleasures in life come from the simplest things. For her, it’s art, specifically, sponge art. I watched this video to cheer myself up and I hope it cheers you up, too. Her enthusiasm is something that could be worthy of envy by some people today. Never lose your spirit, no matter what age. Enjoy!

Word of the Moment: Vulnerability

I would never use the word ‘vulnerable’ to describe myself. I’m quite guarded. I suppose I fell in love with my privacy and how it’s only me, myself, and I with my emotions and thoughts. I built a wall so high that it became dark. As I put down my rose-tinted glasses, I’ve come to realize that the walls I’ve built around myself have hurt me more than done good.

I tell myself that I’m only protecting myself when I don’t open up. I tell myself that staying guarded is good, that the less people I let in, the better. But the truth of the matter is… I have let no one in. Now, I must face the horrifying fact, one that my pride would never let me say, but as I put my pride down, I will admit that the feeling of being alone is getting to me.

But, I will also admit that the feeling of being alone was something that I unknowingly bestowed on myself. For quite some time, I felt as if people would never be able to understand me or be on the same emotional wavelength as me, and it was only true due to the very reason that I never exposed myself so that people could understand me.

It’s time to let those walls down.

Before, I used to see these walls around me as this unbreakable matter, made of stainless steel, and bulletproof protective gear. But now, I’m seeing this wall around me as a brick wall, one that I plan on lowering, one brick at a time. This is a big step for me. For the longest time, I stuck to the notion that I would never let down my walls for anyone, that remaining in the distant cold is for the betterment of my character, but in reality, it’s only hindered me.

I’ve lost relationships because I was too scared to put myself out there. The risk of getting hurt was greater than the chance of having a new friendship. I didn’t want to get closer. It wasn’t an option. But for me, as someone who loves flowers and anything floral, I prevented myself from enjoying the blossoming of relationships. The hypocrisy I laid out for myself is a path where there lies no nourishment or flourishing of prosperity.

It’s never too late to plant a seed of new beginnings.

I might just be a late bloomer, too. This year, not only will I practice integrity but I will practice showing vulnerability. Practice makes perfect, right?

Happy International Women’s Day!

A day just for women – wow! What a time to be alive. But truly it is, albeit it is for those who are privileged. Internationally, there are still young girls who get married off to men who are beyond their age. Young girls whose lives will change forever and will never be the same. Massive amounts of these young girls actually commit suicide while some fortunate few are able to escape.

Today is not only a day to celebrate womanhood across the world, it is also a day to remember the women who could not be here today because they were robbed of their rights, freedom, and lives. Today is also a day to commemorate the women who worked benevolently hard to get us what we have now: college education, voting rights, birth control, being able to be in Congress, and undoubtedly, so much more.

Today’s also a reminder to thank the women in your life who have helped and guided you through life. Today is a day to show appreciation to all the mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, girlfriends, and friends who gave their time and love to the ones they care about.

In this moment, I would like to thank my mother, P, for everything she has done for our family. Mom, thank you for travelling across the world so that we could both have a better future. You went from living out of a suitcase in a small bedroom at a relative’s house to having your own two-story house. You left behind your roots so that we could plant a new beginning. You are a definition of an endearing woman that if I could amount to be somewhat like you, I will have achieved my own American dream. If I could be half the woman you are, then I will have succeeded in life.

Beach Photoshoot

My roommate, Tanya, got a brand new Canon and we decided to give it a test run at the beach! We went to Laguna Beach and traveled down to Victoria Beach. The water surprisingly wasn’t too cold and actually bearable. I’m incredibly in love with photos Tanya took – she captured my vision and truly surpassed my expectations!IMG_0502abcIMG_0477IMG_0490IMG_0379

On February 24th, I got a call.

At first, I was in class and didn’t recognize the number, didn’t pick it up, but it was from Sacramento. I googled the number and it showed some kind of air company. Later on, my mom calls me talking about how this teacher was talking about my little sister sent a long e-mail about how she wanted to kill herself.

The same number calls me later on and I pick up. It’s not a teacher. It’s my sister’s middle school counselor.

He tells me that my sister sent an incredibly long email about how she felt suicidal and tried to cut her wrists with scissors. It was due to a lot of stress in her life, stress I never thought she was going through or expected from her. She’s only thirteen, almost fourteen.

But the reality of it all is that we never see another person’s thoughts or know what they’re feeling, because it’s all in their head, and unless we ask, we will never know.

Mental issues are hard to understand because it’s hard to see. But that doesn’t make it any less serious – mental disorders, illnesses, and problems are just as serious as physical illnesses. My sister is only 13, but I want to see her enter high school, graduate high school, and attend her dream college. She deserves to and she will. My sister is only 13, but she wanted to kill herself, and the fact of the matter is that there are many people her age, younger, and older who wish they weren’t alive.

Suicide isn’t a cold that can be cured with some rest and soup – it’s not reversible. However, suicide is 100% preventable. Tell the people you love that you truly care for them, that their life matters, and that you’re there for them. Luckily, today was a call for help, not a call of death.

But to those who have lost their loved ones to suicide, I send my warmest condolences. For those who are contemplating suicide, please, don’t do it.

Instead, call this number: 1 (800) 273-8255.

 

Let’s Just Be Real

Let’s just be honest. Brutally honest. I haven’t been happy the past two years. My junior year of college was filled with sickness, sorrow, and strangely, heavy insecurity. Now, my senior year just seems to be a constant cycle of stress.

My first two years of college I was unbelievably naive, ignorant, and carefree. Now, I would like to think that I’ve gotten wiser, stronger, and better. However, for an unexplainable reason, I’ve never felt more sad and lost.

For a moment, I thought I blossomed and became more confident. But something happened in the middle of my junior year where I felt more insecure than ever. I felt so (and still do) disconnected with my physical appearance and the way I felt about myself. With time, I felt like who I was on the outside did not match up with the way I thought I looked, so gradually, I felt more and more like a stranger within my own skin.

What got lost in translation?

The old me.

I think I was shedding a layer of who I used to be and that change was hard because I was conflicted with going back to who I was comfortable with and knew well to becoming the person I needed to be: an improved Lynn. Before, I was not stressed out as much because there were very little things that were priorities of mine. I didn’t care as much as before, which provokes the thought: is ignorance truly bliss? I was happier back then, but I wasn’t nearly as “good” as I am now.

Did I sacrifice my happiness to be a better person? As someone who no longer desires to consume alcohol or attend parties, I came to the conclusion that I haven’t let myself be happy. I refuse to take part in “temporary escapes” because I know that my problems will still be there when I wake up. I don’t let myself relax for too long because I know there’s always something to do and no one is going to do it but myself. Or maybe, I just don’t want to be like the old me again.

So I’ve been in a rut for almost two years. So what?

Two years is nothing compared to the rest of my life. Maybe I’m not as confident about myself because I’m working on myself and I’m not yet ready to show the world who I am because she’s currently in development. I’m officially an individual who is a public work in progress who put her priorities over her happiness. Will this hurt me or better me? We shall see. Stay tuned.

Haunted

Ghosts can appear for a swift moment, they come and go, and they’re quick remnants of your past that show up to remind you why the pain is still there.

A flashback of what used to be and what isn’t there anymore. They’re not bad, they’re just random thoughts that don’t really upset you and sometimes you just forget about it, anyway.

But then there are moments where those thoughts and feelings of the past intensify and get more scary and slowly, these ghosts become demons.

Demons pop up to let you know that some things never change, some people never change, and it hurts because it’s the truth.These demons of your past are sometimes very powerful and even more scary – they hurt you more than seeing the ghost.

And sometimes it hurts unexpectedly because this demon is a false allusion. It creates nostalgia for the good history left behind and clouds the reason why the past should be left in the past. This demon makes you want it all back: the good, the bad, the feeling of being comfortable and the toxic person, too.

While I have my own skeletons in the closet, as everyone else, that closet is a door I know not to open. But what do we do when that door opens by itself? The past can haunt you. For me, some days my past scares me but makes me appreciate the present. Other times, it’ll be make me regret a lot of words that I’ve spewed out and my actions when I was careless. Perhaps the closet door opens to remind me to close the past, not to be who I was, and work on who I need to be: a better me.

Kesha’s Cry in Court is a Cry For Help

Kesha, I hear you loud and clear. It is not your fault and you deserve justice.

Kesha is a victim of something that happens quite often to many Americans and people across the world. Sexual abuse is no joke.

What could possibly happen, or has happened already, is that the victim starts blaming themselves. Maybe she shouldn’t have pursued her dreams. Maybe she shouldn’t have done this. Maybe it was her fault after all.

But the fact of the matter is that it is not her fault. I’m siding with Kesha in this case because it is extremely evident that she does not want to be linked to such a malicious man, but is forced to due to legal boundaries and rulings. Again, I’m sorry Kesha, and I hope that you find peace soon. Your voice deserves to be heard because you represent more than just yourself right now.

Rape is never about sex – it is about power. Rape is not sex. Sex involves consent – there is no consent with rape. When a woman denies a man access, he will trespass. When a woman refuses to share her body, he will force his way. It is sick and it is vile. What’s truly more disgusting is the fact that this happens to women everyday.

Kesha, thank you for your bravery. You speaking out will help others to find their voice. I hope that, with time, you will be able to express your musical voice again.

Let’s Listen: Real Friends

Kanye West is rapper that I have been listening to since high school. If someone asked me to make a list of rappers whose music that I enjoy, Mr. West definitely makes the list.

Although he’s not playing at Coachella this year, I would love to see him live in concert. I saw this song on SoundCloud and instantly liked it. It speaks to everyone, how many real friends do we really have? What’s the definition of a real friend? Am I a good, real friend? Do I have real friends? Yes, I do, but it took a few bad ones who realize who the good ones are and who are the people you want to keep in your life.

However, I’m not saying that I’ve always been a good friend, I had to lose some friends to realize that if I want good friends, I must be a good friend myself.

If anyone knows me, I love lyrics and I love lyrics that are substantial and meaningful. While I do enjoy catchy songs, I love deep songs that have various interpretations because who knows what the artists really meant, but what matters is what the lyrics mean to us. We can only guess at who the artist is writing about but when I listen to this song, it makes me think of my own friends, my real friends.

As I get older, I’ve realized that value of genuine and satisfying friendships means a lot more. Friendship is essentially a valuable treasure to me and because of this, I’m taking friendship much more seriously. X marks the spot and there are no shortcuts to produce fruitful friendships. It takes time, trust, and sometimes, tears.