Hi, my name is Lynn and I have anxiety, and annoyingly, when I’m stressed out, my anxiety spikes up more than usual.
Today, on January 30th, I had one at work. But first, let’s reverse the clock a bit.
I woke up at 7:30AM to go to my car appointment, dropped nearly 5 bills to fix my brakes and axle, thought about my life, got stressed out and went into work in a not so great mood.
I know that we should never bring our baggage to work but I’m an emotional shawty – so I’m still trying to work on hiding my feelings at work better – and I am never the type of person who could ever fake a smile.
While I’m decorating the pops, I think my hearing was going out or I just wasn’t fully paying attention to the customer’s voice, or maybe the music was too loud to properly hear what customers were saying, but I started messing up on pops. I did this twice.
I felt my anxiety was slowly getting worse as I felt like I was slowly heating up and my words couldn’t come out. Every little thing that really isn’t that bothersome stressed me out – which negatively added to my anxiety.
After I messed up on the pops, I knew my anxiety was shooting through the roof because my throat was closing up and I felt like I was going to cry. My heart was beating way too fast and I had to get out of the area. I needed to escape.
I ran out and cried. I had to let the stress out. Someone had approached me and gave me napkins for my tears. That person, who I did not know or get the name of, taught me to do the same for someone who’s crying: get them tissue.
Before I went back to work, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I definitely don’t look beautiful when I cry. I went back to work and asked to go home.
My friend, Cindy, called me and I felt so ashamed. That wasn’t me – well it was me – but it was a me that no one should have ever seen.
I got back to my car, took some time to relax, and recollect myself. My stomach hurt. When I tried to drive, my right leg was shaking, even when I had it on the brake pedal, and I was so scared that I would accidently speed up and crash.
When I am stressed, I stress eat. I participate in the “Treat Yo Self” notion quite often and today just further proved my point that unhealthy food makes you feel way better than healthy food. I bought more of my favorite Korean instant ramen and indulged on some white chocolate Kit-Kats I bought earlier. As I’m typing this up, I’m eating a Rice Krispie to sweeten up my not-so-sweet post.
Have I had an anxiety attack before? Yes, and they’re not fun. Honestly, they ruin plans and they ruin your mood. Are they the end of the world? No, but it feels like it is the end of my world – for a long quick moment that doesn’t seem like it’ll end but it does. Sometimes, they happen so fast that I wonder if they even happened at all. But it did happen and who knows if it’ll happen again? I hope not, but we can’t control what happens to us however we can control what happens afterwards.
I could take the easy way out and just quit, hide from everything, never come out, and just stay in my safety shell. I would miss out on a lot of stuff just for the feeling of being safe and not anxious. Or, I could try to battle my demons. My friend, S, who has anxiety as well, told me to not be scared of the feelings I had because that I don’t want to be at home forever.