Show me the scary parts.
What does it mean to be human? While there are an infinite amount of answers and we could debate for eternity, I have one that will suffice for this post.
Being human means having a spectrum of thoughts, emotions, and fears. To put it simply, we are complicated. Man, am I cliché and corny. But, regardless of this overstated statement, there is beauty between the twists and bends. As I search for deeper and meaningful friendships, I find myself curious of my friends’ thorns and what made them tough. Nobody is perfect (seriously, someone stop me with these clichés!) and that is what peaks my interest. I enjoy meeting people with a rugged edge and following the stitching of rough patches of their history.
Perhaps, there is a scientific and psychological explanation for this, or perhaps not… But, I tend to be more drawn to those I share some sort of darkness with, as if there’s a magnetic alignment that occurs when they open up and show me their scars. I’ve always instantaneously connected with girls who revealed that they too were sexually abused in their childhood. Though it’s a bond due to a harrowing moment of our history, it’s a bond that can never be denied or doubted.
There are positives in finding the negatives. Picture this: a vast forest of dead, rotting trees, but the thorns and broken branches have remained sharp, one wrong step and I could bleed. The view of the forest is foggy and the air is frigid. However, I do not desire to be out of the woods so soon. I don’t have a map but I trust where I’m going. To find treasure, there are times where one must endure some trials and tribulations. It takes time, too… Days, weeks, or months to be able to find the core of someone. To bare your soul is to be stripped of your strengths and for all of your sins and scars to be shown. But when we reveal our vices and flaws, we come to find that we are not too different at all, you and I.
In a lighthearted daydream, I may seek to obtain a perfect perception from others, but truly, I do not wish to paint over what had tainted me in the past.
Six or seven years ago, I would have done anything to be able to time travel and reconfigure my history, undoing the actions of he-who-must-not-be-named and redefine my destiny. Now, I thank the universe for what happened to me because I’d rather it be me than my sisters. I cannot bear to think of what would be the answer to, “If not me, then who?” As far as you and I know, time machines don’t exist. So, we have to build the strength to move on and manufacture our own resilience so that we can navigate through life wiser, stronger, and more confidently.
You are never alone in the dark.
Those moments of my past are utterly the darkest I’ve ever lived through but I find that the darker the history – the brighter the refulgent light shines without resistance and refusal. We all have darkness within us but when we share our darkness with our trusted friends and family, light appears and we find that we aren’t alone in the dark after all. The light that appears after a storm comes along in the form of love, friendship without judgement, and compassion. Individually, humans are strong. But together, the force of friendship is powerful enough that the painful parts of our lives seem to disappear and we move on quicker and better.
None of us can change what has happened to us – we can only control how we react and our own actions. No matter how dark the past was – I hold onto my faith that the future will be iridescent. I look ahead with hope and a touch of happiness, enough to keep me going and move forward without hindrance.
Thank you for reading!
Title and first line of this post are lyrics from Camila Cabello’s song, In The Dark.
Disclaimer: I am not one to romanticize suicide, depression, or mental illness. I do not encourage self-harm in any form. This post is not meant to encourage any dangerous behavior to oneself or to others.