History Repeats Itself (Annoyingly)

During a prior chapter of my life, I saw a person from my past when I least expected it. A skeleton out of the dark closet came out of somewhere I swore I shut and burned. It was disturbing, but I knew my mistake, and I learned from it. Learning from my mistake and having time pass definitely let the sour feeling go down a bit but it didn’t permanently erase everything.
Seeing someone from your past is the physical manifestation of all your regrets, bad thoughts, and animosity. It’s like seeing a monster in real life. I thought I had gotten over it, forgave myself since I learned a huge lesson in life, but when I saw that person, it felt like the guilt never left.
As I enjoy the gift of the present time, seeing someone from my past triggers a flashback, a flashback where I see the old me in the body of that person. It felt like rereading a letter of anguish I had written long ago. I knew what words came next, words that were quite hard to swallow, and each sentence just brought back the regret more and more. But, now that I reflect upon this, remembering who I used to be is just another motivation to be better.
So, who exactly was I at that time? I was 18, inexperienced, gullible, and unsuspecting of any consequences from my actions. I misinterpreted what was going on due to misconceptions I had about friendship. After this friendship ended, I never thought I would cross paths with this person again.
But, it is a small world after all. In some instances, it’s a living nightmare.

What My Depression Taught Me

  • It’s okay if the only thing you want to do is be in your bed all day, because being around other people doesn’t make you feel better, and a lot of the times, being around people made me feel more alone and hurt.
  • Whenever you feel alone, that is when you are most wrong. So many times I felt alone and didn’t realize that many other people felt lonely like me too, and I guess, if there were other people on this Earth who felt left out, then I guess, altogether we weren’t really alone, technically.
  • Some things that made you happy once can make you angry, sad, or not make you feel anything at all. That’s normal. Depression sucks the passion out of your life and it may never be the same again and that’s normal. Depression is never a friend but a leech that sucks the joy out of your life and sometimes steals it forever.
    • It changes your perspective on many things: friends, activities, places, and events. A lot of things matter less and few things matter more. Depression and stress heightened my anxiety. Because I’m much more aware of my anxiety, now I know why I can’t go to certain places, which is good but sucks at the same time.
  • Sometimes, depression never goes away. It can come in waves – intense sadness that never leaves because from time to time, you’ll feel fine and then suddenly, something hits you and it feels like it never left at all.
  • It gets better and you will be alive to see it. There will be many nights where you don’t want to wake up, where you wish to be one with the darkness and never see life again, but that route is never the answer. It doesn’t get better instantly and it’s never easy either, but it’ll be worth it.

Pulled from my Tumblr post.

See It, Think It, & Receive It

One particular aspect that I’ve taken note on in my life is that I constantly see “things” over and over again, and suddenly it’s in my life.

Last year, I constantly saw a White Toyota Camry, specifically the 2009 model, and guess what? Now, I drive one.

This past Spring Break, I saw police everywhere whenever I drove. As someone who’s a resilient AUX Cord user, I’m always changing my music. Each time that I’ve put my phone down, I’ve had a cop pass me, either on a motorcycle or in a car. When I headed out for my internship, I’m always tempted to go into the Carpool lane, that so many single drivers go into, but the couple of times I’ve been enticed by the faster lane, I’ve caught eye of CHP.

Throughout Spring Break, I kept thinking that I would have an encounter with the lovely navy outfitted officers.

So today, on Monday, April 4th, I got a citation from campus police for ‘obstructing traffic’. What happened was that I walked when the red hand was flashing, with less than 10 seconds I will honestly admit, and the moment I reached the sidewalk, it was already green for the cars to turn right.

I’m not upset.

I’m not shocked, either. This brush of fate with the law enforcement just reinforces my belief that if I see something, think about it frequently enough, then it’ll happen.

Perhaps, this is a reminder that I should look both ways before I walk, look at the walking sign, too, but also, look at all the signs that life throws at me.

On February 24th, I got a call.

At first, I was in class and didn’t recognize the number, didn’t pick it up, but it was from Sacramento. I googled the number and it showed some kind of air company. Later on, my mom calls me talking about how this teacher was talking about my little sister sent a long e-mail about how she wanted to kill herself.

The same number calls me later on and I pick up. It’s not a teacher. It’s my sister’s middle school counselor.

He tells me that my sister sent an incredibly long email about how she felt suicidal and tried to cut her wrists with scissors. It was due to a lot of stress in her life, stress I never thought she was going through or expected from her. She’s only thirteen, almost fourteen.

But the reality of it all is that we never see another person’s thoughts or know what they’re feeling, because it’s all in their head, and unless we ask, we will never know.

Mental issues are hard to understand because it’s hard to see. But that doesn’t make it any less serious – mental disorders, illnesses, and problems are just as serious as physical illnesses. My sister is only 13, but I want to see her enter high school, graduate high school, and attend her dream college. She deserves to and she will. My sister is only 13, but she wanted to kill herself, and the fact of the matter is that there are many people her age, younger, and older who wish they weren’t alive.

Suicide isn’t a cold that can be cured with some rest and soup – it’s not reversible. However, suicide is 100% preventable. Tell the people you love that you truly care for them, that their life matters, and that you’re there for them. Luckily, today was a call for help, not a call of death.

But to those who have lost their loved ones to suicide, I send my warmest condolences. For those who are contemplating suicide, please, don’t do it.

Instead, call this number: 1 (800) 273-8255.

 

On January 30th, I had an anxiety attack.

Hi, my name is Lynn and I have anxiety, and annoyingly, when I’m stressed out, my anxiety spikes up more than usual.

Today, on January 30th, I had one at work. But first, let’s reverse the clock a bit.

I woke up at 7:30AM to go to my car appointment, dropped nearly 5 bills to fix my brakes and axle, thought about my life, got stressed out and went into work in a not so great mood.

I know that we should never bring our baggage to work but I’m an emotional shawty – so I’m still trying to work on hiding my feelings at work better – and I am never the type of person who could ever fake a smile.

While I’m decorating the pops, I think my hearing was going out or I just wasn’t fully paying attention to the customer’s voice, or maybe the music was too loud to properly hear what customers were saying, but I started messing up on pops. I did this twice.

I felt my anxiety was slowly getting worse as I felt like I was slowly heating up and my words couldn’t come out. Every little thing that really isn’t that bothersome stressed me out – which negatively added to my anxiety.

After I messed up on the pops, I knew my anxiety was shooting through the roof because my throat was closing up and I felt like I was going to cry. My heart was beating way too fast and I had to get out of the area. I needed to escape.

I ran out and cried. I had to let the stress out. Someone had approached me and gave me napkins for my tears. That person, who I did not know or get the name of, taught me to do the same for someone who’s crying: get them tissue.

Before I went back to work, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I definitely don’t look beautiful when I cry. I went back to work and asked to go home.

My friend, Cindy, called me and I felt so ashamed. That wasn’t me – well it was me – but it was a me that no one should have ever seen.

I got back to my car, took some time to relax, and recollect myself. My stomach hurt. When I tried to drive, my right leg was shaking, even when I had it on the brake pedal, and I was so scared that I would accidently speed up and crash.

When I am stressed, I stress eat. I participate in the “Treat Yo Self” notion quite often and today just further proved my point that unhealthy food makes you feel way better than healthy food. I bought more of my favorite Korean instant ramen and indulged on some white chocolate Kit-Kats I bought earlier. As I’m typing this up, I’m eating a Rice Krispie to sweeten up my not-so-sweet post.

Have I had an anxiety attack before? Yes, and they’re not fun. Honestly, they ruin plans and they ruin your mood. Are they the end of the world? No, but it feels like it is the end of my world – for a long quick moment that doesn’t seem like it’ll end but it does. Sometimes, they happen so fast that I wonder if they even happened at all. But it did happen and who knows if it’ll happen again? I hope not, but we can’t control what happens to us however we can control what happens afterwards.

I could take the easy way out and just quit, hide from everything, never come out, and just stay in my safety shell. I would miss out on a lot of stuff just for the feeling of being safe and not anxious. Or, I could try to battle my demons. My friend, S, who has anxiety as well, told me to not be scared of the feelings I had because that I don’t want to be at home forever.

He’s right.