Author Archives: Lynn

The Game of Fate

Flashback. It was night. A summer night, to be exact. The month and day unknown but the weather was warm as the conversation we held in his aged Nissan. We were driving down the empty 57 freeway, just two exits away from returning to our apartment, a space we shared for two consecutive years. The discussion on the car ride back was about destiny and fate. My former roommate, A, and I were talking and trading ideas of what we thought about life.

Could one’s destiny be altered? Is fate an undefeatable force that can’t be stopped, only felt and experienced? If you were told your fate, would you believe it? Would you change it? 

For as long as I can recall, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, what is meant to be, will come, and if something is not fated to connect, then that’s life. The cards we’re dealt can result in a win or no wins, depending on perspective. For example, if we lose touch with someone in our lives, is it always a loss?

If the cards we are given is our destiny, then we can change it by getting new cards, putting some items at stake and taking risks, gambling some hope and faith in exchange for some answered prayers, or perhaps, we can accept the cards we receive because that’s just how the deck was shuffled.

The reason why I see life as this game with unpredictable cards isn’t because I trust the universe to give me what I want all the time but because I welcome disaster and almost anticipate adversities to come my way. However, it’s not as if I yell to the world, agitating it and beckon the spirits to rattle my life, it’s because I know life will remain a nonstop rollercoaster for me. I’m not a negative person but I’m positive that life will have its ups and downs. Not all the best cards can be played at once.

As stated in my karma post, we cannot choose what happens to us. We can only dictate how we react, so we could rejoice or revolt when we get a card we don’t quite appreciate. But isn’t it the bad times that help us appreciate the good times anyway?

C’est la vie.

This is a tangent, but a necessary tangent, so I’d like to wish a happy 23rd birthday to the friend I shared this conversation with: Andrew. We were meant to have that conversation at that moment so that I could curate this post. Also, thank you for your friendship, time, text messages at obscure moments, and for always having me in your thoughts. Today, I have you in my blog, and if that isn’t a sign of affection from me, then, I don’t know what is.

Fighting Anxiety: The Invisible Battle

One aspect of my life which feels never-ending is the conflict between my heart and my mind. Daily, I find myself in situations where I have a desire to say or do something, but my brain says, “No.” But, it’s more than just a quick rejection of my own wishes. It comes along with fear, stress, feeling stuck, and wanting to escape. However, these things are invisible to the naked eye and only I can feel them, though I wish I didn’t.

From elementary school to the beginning of my first year in college, I had the assumption that I was “strange” and not in the hipster sense of being different and cool, but because I could not handle social situations as well as the people around me. Was it normal that I would occasionally cry before I had to go somewhere and then continue to cry because my anxiety stopped me from going to places I had wanted to go? The fear of leaving my house would sometimes be strong enough to hold me back and I would stay in – does that happen to any regular person? My anxiety symptoms include: rapid heart beats, sweaty palms, trembling hands, my throat closing up, not being able to talk, and my face heating up. When I was younger, this felt like impending doom, now, I know it’s just my anxiety acting up.

I recall a specific memory from middle school, I was not yet 14, perhaps 12 or 13, and I was walking home one afternoon. I lived in this complex that was near the school and there would sometimes be people from my school who’d play in the playground, which was right in front of my apartment. When I approached the gate, I saw at least ten people I had recognized from my middle school and this wave of fear took over. I couldn’t go home. I didn’t want to see them and I definitely did not want them to see me. What I did was walk around my complex, spent time in another area far away from my home, and waited it out until everyone was gone. That was just in middle school. In high school, I remember I had so much anxiety about a competition that I flaked out on it, disappointing my coach and former teammates. Now, it’s not as easy to just wait it out or to run away.

Whenever I’m entering a new environment, or a place I’ve deemed uncomfortable, my anxiety goes through the roof. New work places and social situations I did not intend to attend are a couple of examples. I remember at one of my internships, at the beginning, I found myself with my words stuck in my throat, struggling to say the simplest greetings, and couldn’t even ask for the smallest favors. I felt as if my words were always on the tip of my tongue yet there’s a blockage so I never spoke when I so desired to. It took me a few months to get comfortable at my internship and before I knew it, it was time to leave. I wish I wasn’t so rigid and could have let down my walls faster, but it’s complicated when my anxiety doesn’t allow me to make the first move.

I’ve been tied to these chains of worry that never go away. My constant paranoia is a sidekick I’ve never wanted. But, I am stuck with my anxiety for what feels like the rest of my life. My anxiety masks who I am and because of this, I can be seen as standoffish, anti-social, or rude (all of which I completely accept). When you’re me and you’re mentally fighting against yourself, it’s not surprising when my face is full of frowns and there are no smiles to be found. Strangely, I must admit I find comfort in not having to be forced to smile and look delighted at all times.

However, one lesson I’ve learned is being comfortable means being stagnant. If I stay in the same place for the rest of my life, socially, career-wise, or academically, would I ever rise to be the woman I wish to be? The answer is no. Stepping out of my comfort zone is what spikes up my anxiety: meeting new people, going to somewhere unknown, having to bond with strangers, and so on. But nothing great comes from standing still in calm water. Overcoming the angst means traveling into treacherous tides. Is anything safe ever worth the drive? As someone who loves the rush of adrenaline, I have to stop taking flight and fight.

Fight against the anxiety, fight against the worries, and fight against the desire to give up.

Drive Safely

A haunting view I regularly see (but wish I did not) is the remainder of what’s left of a car tire each time I enter the freeway. During my trek to Northern California this past July, I consistently saw a torn apart tire that once was positioned perfectly on a car. What happened? What are the stories from these leftover pieces of rubber? Were they all deadly car accidents or were some parties saved by a miracle? These are questions where perhaps the answers can never be obtained.

On my way back from San Francisco, I saw a bumper of a car near the wall of the carpool lane. It makes me think – how often do we pass by visible damage and not do anything about it? Sometimes, there’s not much that can be done. On the freeway, I can’t just get out of my car and try to assess the debris. I’m not part of CSI. But in reference to our own lives – how often do we avoid obvious destructions, both literally and figuratively? There are moments of chaos where I know I will probably cry or fume about it but I push those thoughts, emotions, and energy aside, to an extreme distance, to focus on another item on my checklist. But, like the broken car parts on the freeway, the not so pretty moments of my life existed and sometimes still remain. No matter how far away I assume I am from my problems, it does not guarantee that my issues will dissolve on their own.

The rubber on the road does not disappear into the atmosphere within days or weeks. There could be a chance that someone will come to pick it up but there’s also the strong possibility that it will remain on the side for an undetermined period of time, perhaps months or years, perhaps forever. As we disregard the messiness of our lives, are we moving on, avoiding the wreckage, or accepting the mayhem? Like an unkempt room, items left behind in a certain position will remain there until we put it back where it belongs. Our clothes cannot wash themselves. Books cannot travel to their proper location on the bookshelf automatically.

As I pass by the remnants of what once used to be part of a car, I pray that I will never be part of the road in that same manner. But now, with this gained perspective, as I drive past rummage, I’ll think about the clutter in my life. As much as I wish I could just ‘drive past’ my personal issues, some problems are inescapable and some fears must be faced. As someone who is hooked on running away from her problems, I’ve found myself not ever being able to mend the wounds and repair the difficulties.

Sometimes, time does not heal everything. Sometimes, healing is working on the dilemma and conquering the obstacle.

This post was inspired by seeing some ripped up tires on the road. It made me think about how interesting it is to see that what we see in life can be a parallelism to our individual lives.

Black Lives Matter

Earlier this month, I was eating my breakfast and talking to my mom. Of course, the topic of my romantic life (or lack of) came up, and my mom gave me a list of men who I could not date. She preferred Chinese men for me. She made an unfair and untrue remark that all black men were criminals and did no good. I told her to not be swayed by the media when she fired backed saying it was true because she sees it in real life. With the area we live in, I can see why she made that statement but I refused to back down from my belief that not all men of color are the same. Now, it’s my goal to make my mother less close-minded and more understanding.

It’s easy to assume one’s intent behind a certain action but the easy way out amounts to no wisdom and results in a lack of understanding about others.

An intricate reality is that people commit crimes because they have no other choice. For some, it is impossible to just “get a job” when there is a system that discriminates against one’s skin color, name, and how one speaks. Getting a degree is not an easy task for everyone and for some, it’s not plausible. But wait, how does this relate to the recent deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile?

If someone said, “Racism is gone,” it is due to the fact that they do not experience it themselves in the same manner of other people who experience racism daily. The systemic racism of America is why people of color are judged in a harsh manner and given unequal treatment. Because of this, people assume and have this bias engrained into their heads that if one person of color is a criminal, then they all are, which is not true at all.

I strongly believe the media (movies, TV shows, news stations) plays a substantial and firm role in the misrepresentation of non-whites. With the improper and inaccurate displays, people become misguided from the truth and are tangled into a web of lies. In this chaotic world, we need facts, not the fabrication of the people who lost their lives, to lead us towards the proper light.

The movement of Black Lives Matter is not, in any manner, saying anyone else’s life matters less, but it is a movement to showcase black lives need to matter as much as the privileged whites’. Saying “All Lives Matter” erases the message behind Black Lives Matter because of course, all lives do matter, but if that were the case, Alton and Philando would still be alive today. Black Lives Matter is a movement that’s focused on black people, because with the recent deaths and many prior, it’s apparent their lives did not matter. The racial profiling and discriminatory targeting needs to end because #BlackLivesMatter.

Every 6 Months

I will openly admit that I’m judgmental. I’m highly critical of not only others but myself as well. It is evident because I am my own biggest critic because every day, I am analyzing my actions and seem to give myself an abundance of poor scores and negative reviews. I also mentally take notes of the actions of people who are around me. In order to become a better person, I must surround myself with companions who too seek to better themselves.

At a minimum of every 6 months, I mandate myself to reevaluate my goals, friends, and environment. I ask myself a series of questions that sometimes challenge the position I’m in but growth never comes from being complacent. It’s a mental sweeping of emotional clutter to prevent an emotional mess.

  • Is what I’m doing, in my personal life and work life, part of the bigger goal that I have in mind for myself? How will I construct the bridge that allows me to close the space of where I am right now and where I wish to be?
  • Are my friends ambitious as myself and do they individually inspire me?
  • Am I currently located in a city that I want to be in – if not – when will I move and what are the necessary steps to take to get to where I want to be?
  • What am I doing today that will be good for tomorrow?
  • Have I remained honest to myself and is there integrity behind my actions?
  • How’s my health and am I properly monitoring both my physical well-being and mental state?

Comparison is deadly. I make it a point to not compare myself to my friends and their careers and lifestyles because as the worn out and played out saying goes, everyone’s journey is different. Looking at the future gives me copious amounts of hope, motivation, and determination. I am ecstatic to learn from my failures and manifest the mass figments of my imagination into reality.

My Personality Type: ENTJ

If you wish to begin a soul-searching journey, start with a personality test. I enjoy taking personality tests because it allows me to dive into my own introspection. In high school, I remember taking this personality test and my result was first ENFJ. I also recall taking the test over and over again as the years strolled along to see if my results ever changed: they didn’t. I was prideful of my personality type due to the fact that only 3% of people in the United States share my personality type, including Oprah Winfrey and President Barack Obama!

However, recently, truthfully, a few days ago, I took this test again, and I got a different result. I was adamant about being ENFJ because who doesn’t want to be the same as Oprah!? Alas, I am no longer the same personality type as one of my role models. I went from being ENFJ to ENTJ.

“The Teacher” became “The Commander”.

Without extending this post to an excessive length, I’d like to share several points that made me gasp due to the shocking factor of how significantly true it is for me.

  • ENTJs see inefficiency not just as a problem in its own right, but as something that pulls time and energy away from all their future goals, an elaborate sabotage consisting of irrationality and laziness. People with the ENTJ personality type will root out such behavior wherever they go.
  • Ever the high achievers, ENTJ subordinates set out to learn new skills and to seek out new challenges and responsibilities, eager to prove that nothing is impossible with a little hard work. If things get a little slow, ENTJ personalities may slip into periods of absent-mindedness, but when they feel involved in the projects around them, they prove well-organized and well prioritized.
  • As in most aspects of their lives, in friendship, ENTJs seek personal growth and inspiration, and they often have a plan for how to accomplish it. Friendships of circumstance, built on things like shared routines, are not ENTJs’ preferred method – rather, they pursue their friends, seek out individuals who share their passion for deep, meaningful discussions, and who enjoy learning and development as much as they do. It is not always easy to be ENTJs’ friends – they demand a lot from these relationships – but they pay a great deal of attention to their friendships, and it is unlikely that it will ever feel stagnant.
  • Among colleagues, ENTJs are sociable and greatly enjoy sharing ideas and critiques in their frequent brainstorming sessions. Natural leaders that they are, ENTJs tend to assert themselves into positions as representatives and project leads, considering their objectivity and charisma the perfect qualities for these roles. ENTJ personalities enjoy working with equals, but people must demonstrate that they are equals – anyone ENTJs view as being less competent or driven will see only condescension and arrogance.
  • ENTJs are strong-willed, even dominant, and though they enjoy inspiring and tutoring others, the energy they bring to the process can seem overbearing. When these roles are reversed, ENTJs’ mentors should bear in mind that their students are very rational and respect firm confidence – hand-holding, emotional appeals or wavering indecision will likely burn the bridge then and there. In a partnership, what is best is what is most effective, and time wasted sugarcoating reality is just that – time wasted.

I encourage everyone to take this test, if they have not already, and share the results with friends and family, introspection must be spread!

Sorry, Mom, I went to Mexico!

I started off the month of June by taking a weekend trip to Mexico. It was my first time so a mixture of nervousness, anxiousness, and excitement was in the air. Going into Mexico was a breeze – but because of the easy trek in – we completely forgot to stop by a supermarket to exchange our US dollars. Luckily, the area of Rosarito, particularly where we were staying, had many businesses that accepted our American currency. I ate an abundance of shrimp and the fresh food by the beach was such a treat. The night life beats Vegas – the city that I thought was wild, however, Mexico just takes it to another level (and it wasn’t even Spring Break)!

Mexico is a must for those who have not gone yet – the only downside is getting out! I timed how long it would take us to get back to the US and it took a grand total of 4 hours to get past the border! 4 hours! It did not feel like 4 hours to me, due to the vendors out there selling food, drinks, and souvenirs – it felt like two hours, but that was the only con. With that said, I hope you enjoy my video.

Seeing something is one thing, experiencing it is another. 

 

Songs: Blackbear – Girls Like U (Tarro Remix)
Justin Bieber – What Do You Mean [Angelika Vee Cover] (Justin Caruso Remix)

Let’s Look: Miami

After four years of college, a vacation was a must. Graduation was surreal – I cannot believe I am no longer in college but in the real world now. It’s nothing like the movies, I’m anxious yet confident at the same time, worried yet certain, and still in awe that I no longer have to write essays or make flashcards! One of my regrets was that I never studied abroad while in college. Traveling truly enhances one’s perspective of the world.

“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” – Saint Augustine

Miami was beyond fun – I completely understand why the saying, “Hot Miami nights”, exists. The humidity was thick and tangible but tolerable. The waters were so clear and the sand pebbles were larger than what I’m used to but I can confidently say their beaches beat California’s. Words can only do so much – so here’s the video, I hope you enjoy it and visit Miami, too!

Song: Rain Man – Bring Back The Summer (INSTRUM Remix)

 

Failure Hints at Success

In my last post, I wrote that I always feel like a failure. That’s because I have endless expectations for myself. It explains a lot – how I judge others is how I judge myself. The way that I’ve set these standards for others is how I set the standard for myself, as well.

As a goal-orientated person, I have an aptitude to get tasks done, as much as I can, but with quality and purpose. Daily goals, monthly goals, lifetime goals, friendship goals, budgeting goals – I have them all. Do I meet all of them? Yes and no. Some goals, I do meet, but most of the time, I find myself halfway there or just barely missing the mark.

I believe the truth is hard to accept but necessary. So getting halfway to a goal is not reaching the goal. Being one minute late to an appointment is still being late. Going over budget by $5 is still going over budget. Looking at a book that I’ve been meaning to read does not count as reading it. Thinking about calling someone is not the same as actually calling them – there are situations where the thought does not count or matter.

Going from Level 15 to Level 5, or even worse, Level 1, can rip motivation out of anyone. I could be having the best week: being on time for everything, eating healthy, going to the gym often, calling my mother, working towards my goals, and without a doubt, feeling like I’m progressing as a person and flourishing in my personal relationships – and then this joyous car ride comes to halt. I’m late to work. I lie to a friend. I stumble on my words. I don’t get the grade I was expecting. I give myself one too many cheat meals. My routine reconstructs itself quickly in a manner where I feel like I’m decaying rather than blooming. Regression is a dance I regrettably wish I did not know so well.

As I transition from being a college student to a young adult, I’ve taken note that success is never a perfect ladder that one climbs. Only in our imagination can we ever think that life is just a video game – going from one place to another and keeping the strength we’ve earned at all times while knowing that we are able to defeat any adversary that comes along our way. Success is a scrambled path. We may start off at this corner, advance 10 steps, go back 5, advance 3, and revert 3 steps back. It’s never a game of hopscotch where we can see the next step. A common occurrence is that our path changes route and we are left with no map or compass to tell us how to get to the next level. Sometimes, we go all the way back to Square 1.

But the light in this situation is that even though I’m no longer at Level 15, at least I know that I can get to that level. If I can get to Level 15 then I’m more than positive that I can get to Level 20 or Level 30. Failure hints at success because I’m always one step closer to succeeding after I’ve tried something rather than not trying at all. Ideas can stay in my head but what good does that do? Change starts when we take what we have in our mind and make it into something that we can see and touch.

The Dark Side (Of Us All)

The world is an abundant source of fun, happiness, and light. But everyone knows that even if you can’t see the moon’s dark side, it’s there. With that said, this world is also filled with pain, despair, evil, and unavoidable demons.

Internally, there is a battle where I am a frequent fighter and I must confess that sometimes I feel like as if dark side has gotten the better of me. Those defeated days where I cannot feel sorrow, remorse, pity, guilt, or hope are the days where I think I’ve lost my all potential light. I know that in my light and shadow piece  I wrote that life is about balance, which it is, for me, but that does not mean the balance is always there. Balance is the goal.

However, things go askew. Feelings go awry. Passions can subside and instead, anger comes out. In physics, it is stated that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred. The law of conservation makes me ponder – where does all my positive energy go that results in me losing passion for people, places, activities, and the ideas and thoughts I once held onto so strongly and gave life to? Why does it feel like I am repeatedly left with only bad luck and bad energy?

In some religions, the fate of a person is decided after their death. One’s life must bypass judgement before a decision of heaven or hell is made. But for me, I’m my own worst critic and I judge myself constantly – am I good, decent, or twisted in a malicious manner? Well, I want this blog to be authentic, and as I expose my true self and inner thoughts, I’ve recognized that I do not believe I am a good person. But, I also believe that the world is not split into just good and evil – this Earth is not black and white. However, as I look into the colors of my character, the rapid swirling of my own yin and yang concludes to a result of little light. If I were to be in control of the gates of a divine afterlife for myself, right now, I would not gain entrance into those celestial boundaries. At this very moment, I have not done enough to deserve such a passage.

Those moments where the darkness consume me don’t last forever, but they last long enough for me to doubt the good human in me. Sometimes, I feel like the biggest struggle in my life is to have the good grow inside me because I’m rooted in not-so-good foundations. If there’s something that I feel nearly each day of my life, it would be the feeling of being a failure. I always feel as if I fall short of my own expectations that I bestowed upon myself. I disappoint myself immensely. However, failure, to me, is never a dead end. Failure teaches. Failure provides another opportunity to do it again better. Failure shows that I tried. Regardless of the fact that I have not yet succeeded in defeating my own demons, I will continue to try and even if I fail again, I know that I am trying and not surrendering to the dark side.