It’s officially been one year since I’ve moved back home. Before this anniversary, there have been more than several moments where I am struck with an uncomfortable thought. It’s the realization of how I haven’t softened and if anything, I’ve remained rigid and restricted. I’ve reflected on the past several months about the woman I aspire to be – the person I am working myself to become – just to realize I am nowhere close.

To put it simply, I feel that I am regressing. Unknowingly, the cold suit of armor I had not asked to wear has been reapplied on me. I’ve been on guard, two fold, and though I feel protected with my weapons, I cannot deny the feeling of loneliness.

I must state this – I do not fear being alone and independent. I fear only when the capacity to handle the feeling of being lonely reaches its limit and I am left with anger, tears, regret, and fear.

Fear of the darkness consuming me and the forbidden thoughts appear. Fear of allowing those menacing thoughts to be my reality.

I forget I am human and not a steel mechanical robot. Perhaps, in another life, I will be less fearful and more forgiving.

If there was a genie to grant me one wish, I would wish to be softer. I wish I could let people in and trust them, too. I wish I would stop running away from potential friends and lovers. Being vulnerable brings about numerous fears and the stakes are high. Being vulnerable continues to be the task at hand – a task I find myself attempting but failing.

But, being vulnerable is the epitome of the human experience. Being vulnerable means taking chances, making mistakes, but also making memories and creating relationships that fill our souls. I constantly sway on this pendulum of going back and forth with vulnerability. Curious, I’ll take one step out, and with the flashbacks of my past of being hurt and wronged, I take that same step back.

In the realm of wizardry and wonder, I could become fearless and take every risk without fear with simply a spell and the flick of a wand.

However, this is the real world, and in the real world, there are no mystical genies. There is no potion I can ingest to eradicate all the walls I’ve built. But, however, perhaps the magic of it all is that I don’t need a genie, spells, or any type of sorcery. No witchcraft is needed and I also don’t need to wait for my next life to be who I wish to be. I often forget that we, as individuals, have the power to do so much without the help of anyone or anything. I may have a cold suit of armor on but it is not my skin, it’s merely a shield and a removable one at that.

Thank you for reading.

* I also wanted to wish my dear friend, Andrew Scott H., a happy birthday. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life and thank you for staying in my life. You’ve seen me at my most embarrassingly vulnerable moments and have never loved me less. Being vulnerable with you is easy and never a regret. Happy birthday, my old friend.

I often wonder when we would meet, if ever.
I wish we never ever met.

I hate you for not being there for me all these days.
I hate you for being there in all the wrong ways.

I wish you never left. I wish you stayed. I’ll admit that I see you as the knight who never was the hero — the person who could have saved me from the dragon — but I suppose you were another battle I had to fight. This fairytale I write of you being the alternative ending to my distorted reality — I hold onto this false hope — but perhaps you are a dragon, too. Your missing presence adds to my story and my strength. I made cards for a father who would never hold and cherish the papers. I write letters that will never be seen or held, as I to you. 
I wish you left me alone. You stayed far too long. You are overdue company — a guest who’s stayed unrightfully for ages in my abode. You were a false knight in shining armor. You concealed your malicious scales — silver I confused for your suit of armor — and revealed yourself to be a grotesque dragon. A witch casted a spell which turned you sadistic and now I’m another girl who’s a proven statistic. I wish there were potions for us both to be cured — me of your toxic touch, and you of your morbid mind.

Because of you, I live life questioning if I’ll ever find you. If I could, I’d ask you how you had the audacity to leave a woman you loved and a child you brought into this world. My childhood curiosity remains an enigma to this moment and time. The answer may sting and my eyes might swell but I’ve built myself to be a warrior, not a worrier.
Because of you, I live life in fear because I know there are men like you. Even if I could, I wouldn’t ask you how you had the audacity to rob a child of her innocence and destroy her childhood. There are no justifiable reasons to excuse your abominable behavior. You stained my soul when you tarnished my body with your corrupt touch.

I wish you taught me how to ride a bike — all my friends learned from their fathers. Maybe you taught my half-siblings in Canada. 
I wish you never taught me to triple check that my bedroom door is locked at night. Maybe I’ll keep this habit forever.

I wish you were here to show me all the good there is in this world.
I wish you had never shown me what sins exist in this world.

To you both: Some lessons in life are learned in the most undesirable ways. I value learning and wisdom, so in this twisted manner, I have to thank you two. Thank you for teaching me the disappointing lesson that we should never have expectations for anyone, not even our own parents. I do not need a father or a father figure in my life. Thank you for not being there and thank you for not doing what was right, because I’ve learned to be tenacious and I doubled my ferocity to be what you could not.

Sincerely Not Your Daughter,
Lynn Ly

Author’s Note: This post is an old Tumblr post I’ve revamped. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the original post. It could possibly be deleted or is lost in my archives. The italicized lines are for my biological father and non-italicized are for my stepfather. This is a personal post for me but I felt it was necessary to be vulnerable and honest with my emotions and thoughts. I hope you enjoy and as always, thank you for reading.