What My Depression Taught Me

  • It’s okay if the only thing you want to do is be in your bed all day, because being around other people doesn’t make you feel better, and a lot of the times, being around people made me feel more alone and hurt.
  • Whenever you feel alone, that is when you are most wrong. So many times I felt alone and didn’t realize that many other people felt lonely like me too, and I guess, if there were other people on this Earth who felt left out, then I guess, altogether we weren’t really alone, technically.
  • Some things that made you happy once can make you angry, sad, or not make you feel anything at all. That’s normal. Depression sucks the passion out of your life and it may never be the same again and that’s normal. Depression is never a friend but a leech that sucks the joy out of your life and sometimes steals it forever.
    • It changes your perspective on many things: friends, activities, places, and events. A lot of things matter less and few things matter more. Depression and stress heightened my anxiety. Because I’m much more aware of my anxiety, now I know why I can’t go to certain places, which is good but sucks at the same time.
  • Sometimes, depression never goes away. It can come in waves – intense sadness that never leaves because from time to time, you’ll feel fine and then suddenly, something hits you and it feels like it never left at all.
  • It gets better and you will be alive to see it. There will be many nights where you don’t want to wake up, where you wish to be one with the darkness and never see life again, but that route is never the answer. It doesn’t get better instantly and it’s never easy either, but it’ll be worth it.

Pulled from my Tumblr post.

Here’s The 411 On My Blog on 4/11!

Why a blog?

Well, I’ve been itching for an official website with the “.com” at the end and nothing else attached, such as “tumblr.com” or “wordpress.com”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – but this makes my words more formal and established. I’ve paid my dues and can’t keep this secret in hiding forever – so hello! Welcome!

I’ve been online blogging since the late 2000’s, I’ve had Blogger, Tumblr, MySpace, all that but I’ve also been writing since I was young. I wouldn’t say that I’m a strong writer – but I want to become one – and in order to do that, I must expose myself. Also, I want to be a published author someday, so I have to start my journey eventually!

For quite some time, I’ve kept my writing to myself because I only wrote when I wasn’t happy with life. But now, I know that life encompasses so much more and goes beyond just sad moments. Additionally, I believe that my mind entails more than what my mouth can spew out.

Moving along, I will shamelessly confess that I love writing. Sometimes, I forget what the word ‘passion’ means, but then I write, and I remember what passion feels like again. I love that it is a creative expression but it is also like a device that helps me understand my emotions. I think I really fell in love with writing because it was a reflection of myself, but in letters put together and sentences constructed. Whenever I feel sad or upset, I feel like pieces of me are discombobulated and writing helps me tie up loose ends and formulate how I’m really feeling in a post. When I use analogies to describe my sadness, I can understand how sad I am.

Writing also helps me understand my fears, desires, and regrets. For example, sometimes, my anger is like a slight sting that goes away swiftly, but, there are moments where my anger feels like a coal that seethes endlessly.

As I introduce my blog to the public, I welcome and encourage responses! I would love to know what you thought of my own thoughts.

WELCOME TO THE CHASE. LET’S BEGIN.

Read my About Me page to find out the meaning of my URL.

Pair of L’s

My name is Lynn Ly. The L’s in my name are parallel. In Geometry, it means those lines will never meet, intersect, touch, or interact in any way or form. Similarly, in my life, I’ve noticed that there are many parallelisms that have struck across my mind.

In my college years, I have walked past an uncountable number of students, faculty, strangers, customers, and our lives align for a moment where we can see each other, notice each other’s presence, but after that, our lives will remain like two parallel lines: continuously going on without any type of interaction. Our paths are not destined to cross – only seen and sometimes, forever forgotten.

In the midst of my commute to my internship, I think about how we, as Southern Californians, constantly take the freeway to get to where we need or desire to be, but what road are we on, if we were to be wholeheartedly honest with ourselves?

Sure, everyone on the 57 is headed towards different places, but perhaps, could it all be for the same reasons? As people park their cars, they could be unconsciously aligning their lives with someone else’s fate. Everyone is working – some to survive, some to provide, and some to pursue their dreams. Deep down, are we really strangers or do we share a human but unfathomable connection? It may be both of those thoughts.

We all have a story and there is never not a story to be told.

What’s your story? Does your story line up to mine?  The possibility that we share something substantial with someone is exciting. But because our lives are parallel, we will never cross paths or be able to interact and that can be quite disheartening because… that’s reality.parallelpains

See It, Think It, & Receive It

One particular aspect that I’ve taken note on in my life is that I constantly see “things” over and over again, and suddenly it’s in my life.

Last year, I constantly saw a White Toyota Camry, specifically the 2009 model, and guess what? Now, I drive one.

This past Spring Break, I saw police everywhere whenever I drove. As someone who’s a resilient AUX Cord user, I’m always changing my music. Each time that I’ve put my phone down, I’ve had a cop pass me, either on a motorcycle or in a car. When I headed out for my internship, I’m always tempted to go into the Carpool lane, that so many single drivers go into, but the couple of times I’ve been enticed by the faster lane, I’ve caught eye of CHP.

Throughout Spring Break, I kept thinking that I would have an encounter with the lovely navy outfitted officers.

So today, on Monday, April 4th, I got a citation from campus police for ‘obstructing traffic’. What happened was that I walked when the red hand was flashing, with less than 10 seconds I will honestly admit, and the moment I reached the sidewalk, it was already green for the cars to turn right.

I’m not upset.

I’m not shocked, either. This brush of fate with the law enforcement just reinforces my belief that if I see something, think about it frequently enough, then it’ll happen.

Perhaps, this is a reminder that I should look both ways before I walk, look at the walking sign, too, but also, look at all the signs that life throws at me.

Let’s Talk: The Old Lynn

Gradually, I’ve noticed my past is becoming less recognizable and quite clouded. What I mean is, the person who I used to be, she seems like a stranger to me. It’s unexplainable but I don’t know who I used to be anymore and I suppose the reason for that is because I am quite focused on who I want to be and what I wish to accomplish. I’m not saying that my past is full of shame and, “Shhh- let’s not talk about that,” type of moments, it’s just that my future is way more exciting than my past could ever be.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, and tell myself constantly, that’s worth inputting in your own lives, is that the two people you should ever compare yourself to is the person you used to be and the person you want to be, so I always have to remind myself that I don’t have to look like her or be like him, I just have to be the best version of myself.

Everyday, I strive to be better than who I was yesterday. Which means that everyday I am changing and there may be moments where I won’t seem like myself – it’s because I’m always learning something new and I want to implement it in my life. While my past does follow me everywhere – for example: I think about my stepdad constantly – I don’t have to give it attention or follow it back (this is not Instagram)! My past is a reminder – albeit an annoying one for the most part – of who I used to be and most importantly, who I don’t want to be anymore.

Who was the “old Lynn”? What type of person was she?

She is:

  • Someone I feel like I still am, sometimes, but I am trying to fight that zone of comfort.
  • An immature girl who does not think before she speaks, not caring about the emotional costs of her words.
  • A selfish person who is easily engulfed in her own vices, forgetting about the consequences that will come forth upon herself and the people around her.
  • A crude minded individual with the actions to match.
  • Someone who was bad-mannered, not quite civil, and plain out mean.

As I abandon the mold of who I wish to never be again, I am also chasing after the woman I need to be: the person my younger self needed.

Let’s Listen: Novacane

If anyone knows me, then they know that I love Frank Ocean. If anyone lives with me, then they know that this is my ringtone as of right now. Alongside “Pyramids”, Novacane is undeniably one of my favorite ballads from Frank.

One of the reasons why I simply adore Frank Ocean so much is because his songs are more than just catchy and easy-to-listen-to songs, they’re songs that dive deeper into the capabilities of music. They tell stories. They make you think. In this piece, Frank explained, in a BBC Sound of Music interview, that he was trying to articulate the feeling of someone trying to love you but you can’t feel it.

“Wanting to feel something that you can’t feel.” – Frank Ocean

We could work somewhere where we don’t really want to work – and end up hating it. Forcing yourself to love something or someone is wrong. We could try to pursue passions that people say we should, but only we know what are our true passions. Friends can assume we like something but they aren’t the ones who know if we feel the way they think we feel. Even if everything seems perfect, if it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not meant to be. There will come a time where it seems like the perfect person or opportunity comes along but something seems off – and then there’s this pressure to pursue it – but forcing love is never true love. Reciprocation is best when there’s two paths that meet together. No reciprocation on both ends means it’s a dead end from the start.

Let’s Laugh: The Rainbow Sponge

If you’re ever having a bad day, watch this video! This woman taught me that some pleasures in life come from the simplest things. For her, it’s art, specifically, sponge art. I watched this video to cheer myself up and I hope it cheers you up, too. Her enthusiasm is something that could be worthy of envy by some people today. Never lose your spirit, no matter what age. Enjoy!

Word of the Moment: Vulnerability

I would never use the word ‘vulnerable’ to describe myself. I’m quite guarded. I suppose I fell in love with my privacy and how it’s only me, myself, and I with my emotions and thoughts. I built a wall so high that it became dark. As I put down my rose-tinted glasses, I’ve come to realize that the walls I’ve built around myself have hurt me more than done good.

I tell myself that I’m only protecting myself when I don’t open up. I tell myself that staying guarded is good, that the less people I let in, the better. But the truth of the matter is… I have let no one in. Now, I must face the horrifying fact, one that my pride would never let me say, but as I put my pride down, I will admit that the feeling of being alone is getting to me.

But, I will also admit that the feeling of being alone was something that I unknowingly bestowed on myself. For quite some time, I felt as if people would never be able to understand me or be on the same emotional wavelength as me, and it was only true due to the very reason that I never exposed myself so that people could understand me.

It’s time to let those walls down.

Before, I used to see these walls around me as this unbreakable matter, made of stainless steel, and bulletproof protective gear. But now, I’m seeing this wall around me as a brick wall, one that I plan on lowering, one brick at a time. This is a big step for me. For the longest time, I stuck to the notion that I would never let down my walls for anyone, that remaining in the distant cold is for the betterment of my character, but in reality, it’s only hindered me.

I’ve lost relationships because I was too scared to put myself out there. The risk of getting hurt was greater than the chance of having a new friendship. I didn’t want to get closer. It wasn’t an option. But for me, as someone who loves flowers and anything floral, I prevented myself from enjoying the blossoming of relationships. The hypocrisy I laid out for myself is a path where there lies no nourishment or flourishing of prosperity.

It’s never too late to plant a seed of new beginnings.

I might just be a late bloomer, too. This year, not only will I practice integrity but I will practice showing vulnerability. Practice makes perfect, right?

Happy International Women’s Day!

A day just for women – wow! What a time to be alive. But truly it is, albeit it is for those who are privileged. Internationally, there are still young girls who get married off to men who are beyond their age. Young girls whose lives will change forever and will never be the same. Massive amounts of these young girls actually commit suicide while some fortunate few are able to escape.

Today is not only a day to celebrate womanhood across the world, it is also a day to remember the women who could not be here today because they were robbed of their rights, freedom, and lives. Today is also a day to commemorate the women who worked benevolently hard to get us what we have now: college education, voting rights, birth control, being able to be in Congress, and undoubtedly, so much more.

Today’s also a reminder to thank the women in your life who have helped and guided you through life. Today is a day to show appreciation to all the mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, girlfriends, and friends who gave their time and love to the ones they care about.

In this moment, I would like to thank my mother, P, for everything she has done for our family. Mom, thank you for travelling across the world so that we could both have a better future. You went from living out of a suitcase in a small bedroom at a relative’s house to having your own two-story house. You left behind your roots so that we could plant a new beginning. You are a definition of an endearing woman that if I could amount to be somewhat like you, I will have achieved my own American dream. If I could be half the woman you are, then I will have succeeded in life.

Beach Photoshoot

My roommate, Tanya, got a brand new Canon and we decided to give it a test run at the beach! We went to Laguna Beach and traveled down to Victoria Beach. The water surprisingly wasn’t too cold and actually bearable. I’m incredibly in love with photos Tanya took – she captured my vision and truly surpassed my expectations!IMG_0502abcIMG_0477IMG_0490IMG_0379