Last year, my word of the year was appreciation.

That does not mean that this year I won’t be appreciative, I will be, and to start off this post, I want to show some appreciation to my friend, Cindy. We met in the spring of 2013 and three years later, I’m glad she’s still in my life. Yesterday, she dropped off food because her dad and other family members wanted me to have food for Lunar New Year, which is tomorrow, February 8. Cindy is one of the hardest working people that I know and definitely one of the nicest and smartest. I’m glad to have her in my life because she reminds me that hard work does pay off and does not go unnoticed. She’s taught me a lot and I appreciate her for always opening up her home to me!

Anyway, the word of the year for 2016 is integrity.

Why? Because I feel a lot of people don’t know what it means or know how to live by it.

If you’re purposely late, you’re purposely disrespecting the other person. If you purposely flake, it shows that you don’t care. If you don’t care, it will show and people will know. If you can’t live up to your words, you don’t really deserve to be in someone’s life. No one likes a liar. No one likes a fake. People who are true to themselves will be true to others. These are the things that I tell myself.

Last year, I learned to appreciate and expressed my appreciation for others. This may seem like a “Duh” moment, but for someone like me, who rarely expresses her feelings, this was a weird bubble to go in, but now, I can’t imagine not showing appreciation for the littlest things that my friends, strangers, and coworkers do for me.

This year, I adamantly want to stick to my goals and most importantly, my words. As an aspiring writer, I value my words and I truly believe that if I give someone my word, I must stick to it or it has no value.

As someone who treasures and seeks the truth, if I want the truth, I must be the truth. Like I said, if I want good friends, I must be a good friend myself. As I get older, (laughs embarrassingly because I’m only 21) I have realized what’s really important and friendship is definitely one of the things in life that makes it worthwhile.

Now, I take friendships so seriously that I am willing to let the bad ones sink so that the better ones can breathe. In my small heart, there aren’t a lot of people that I can cherish – that’s the way I’ve unknowingly constructed myself – and there’s only room for people who are genuine, people who stay true to their hearts, people who live their lives for themselves, people who stick to their word, in essence… people who have integrity.

I feel that the goals that people have say two things: what they want (obvious) and why they want it (not so obvious). Some goals aren’t too big and sometimes, the reason behind the goal isn’t a long answer at all. But some of mine are long, ha ha ha.

Well, what are my goals?

• Adopt a kid, but two if I’m lucky.
  • I don’t really care to pass on my family name or my blood, even though I would be curious to see what my offspring would look like but that’s a selfish reason to have a child. I don’t want make my own, I just want to adopt and help someone’s life. Also, I have a fear of pregnancy.
• Write a book, actually finish it, and get published.
  • I love writing and this has been a goal of mine since high school. I absolutely want to write something and hope that it connects with one person, because that feeling will make all the difference in my life. There are many moments when I feel alone and misunderstood, but the thing is: everyone feels alone and misunderstood at some point in their lives, if not often like mine, and that’s when we realize that when we feel most alone, we aren’t. Truly, if all the lonely people connected – we could go somewhere. Also, I have started my autobiography but now, I’m focused on this blog, so I’m taking a break – also allowing life to happen so that I have content for my book. I want to publish my book after I adopt.
• Create a shelter for women and men who have been sexually assaulted or abused.
  • I’ve been there before (not a shelter) but I know what it feels like to want a place to run away to, to feel safe, understood, and not judged. It could be a home – start small with a one bedroom with a bunkbed. Of course, this would all be free and every expense comes out of my own pocket, so the only way this goal of mine will be achieved is when I’m a billionaire (kidding). I hope to accomplish this goal before I die.
• Adopt a pug, weiner dog or a French bulldog.
  • I’m a dog person.
• Pay off my student loans.
  • Because debt is not the new black.
• Help my sisters get into college.
  • Because I love them.

Goals keep me going. Goals remind me to not to give up and to try one more time, that the next day is a new day to be better than who I was yesterday. When I was depressed, I didn’t have any goals, I just wanted to see black. But now, I make small and big goals constantly so that I never feel like I don’t have a purpose.

There you have it, these are some of the visions that I constantly have spiraling in my head. What are yours?

One of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog was for me to be able to jot down all my thoughts – because I have too many – and try to wrap my mind around, well, my mind!

This picture is from my internship notebook because I thought of this and immediately, I had to write it down or else it would escape me – as (unfortunately) many of my thoughts do. Gone with the wind like my title, old friendships.

My handwriting isn’t the best – but have no fear because I’ve got it typed up! I actually changed “more” to “most” and removed “is”.

Sometimes, the time you learn most about  friendship is when you lose one. What follows is that you constantly think about it when you know it’s not coming back.

I’m human, I’m a college student, I’m in my early twenties, and I’m bound to lose friends. Friendship, like love, doesn’t always last forever but that doesn’t mean it was a bad relationship. Old friendships have taught me a lot about myself more than having sour leftover feelings about someone.

A lot of times, I’ll admit, it was me who was the bad friend or the one who triggered the ending. It has been my fault or it has been me who left the friendship. Sometimes, it was because I felt the end of a friendship coming soon like a storm that had finally darkened the sky. The other times, it would be me who realized I was the hidden poison in their apple. I didn’t know I was the snake in the grass until I finally was able to hear the hissing sounds coming from my own self. No one ever thinks they’re the serpent.

In life, all I ever want to be is wise and full of experience. Not having certain people in my life has taught me to value the current friends that I do have. Not being able to hang out with certain people (that I think of fondly sometimes) has taught me how to be a better friend. Not being friends anymore with certain people has taught me that if I want good friends, I have to be a good friend myself.

Because of the past friendships that I have lost, I have learned to take friendships quite seriously now. And for that, I thank the people who crossed paths with me, shared laughs and tears with me, and was simply there for me when I needed it, so genuinely, I thank you for being my friend. Even if we don’t speak anymore, know that I wish you the best and nothing but the best.

The power of a story can be life changing. We have the power to make anyone and anything famous with the power of the Internet. We can change so many things with the help of donation links, signature petitions, and writing emails to government officials.

But why is that we can’t seem to help ourselves? What I mean is, why don’t we ever take the advice we give others?

I can tell my girlfriends to give that guy a chance or maybe a second chance, to give the guy her number, and to stop being so uptight and have some fun once in awhile.

Let’s reverse where the camera perspective is. So now, the limelight is on me, but I really wish it wasn’t. The light almost stings because it shows all my flaws and who I really am. I can tell my friends to go on that date or to give that guy a chance but I could never do the same.

But truly, we never learn to face the issues we have until we have others to help us confront them. In my friends’ eyes, I’m a social prude. I hate the idea of meeting new people, getting close to strangers, and making new friends. I’m closed up and I’ll never let anyone in. They can try hard but I’ll just push them away.

But I always wake up and realize that the things my friends are telling me are the same things I’ve told them.

“Dude, you never know unless you try.”
“Hit him up then!”
“Take a chance!”

Why is this?

My conclusion is that we would rather see other people fail and succeed rather than ourselves. Hey. It’s a harsh statement. I know.

I would rather have my friend experience a fun time or heartbreak rather than myself. I am that hard headed and prideful. I don’t want to risk rejection but at the same time, I’m scared of the possibility of actually being happy with someone. I’m so used to being with myself that the idea of being with someone freaks me out. I became comfortable with my own company that any new company changes everything.

Change is scary and that’s why we’ll never have the guts to take our own advice because we’ll be changing what we’ve known always to be true into something that will refine what kind of advice we’ll give out in the future. I firmly believe (right now) that people never change so maybe that’s why I can’t and won’t change because I already told myself that I can’t!

Change is scary but feelings are scary, too! Some people say that love is the closest thing we have to magic but I disagree, it’s not magic, it’s evil sorcery! Love, or even a simple crush, can make people different, like getting flustered and butterflies, have an increased heart rate, and sweaty palms. I know, it’s silly, but I guess the reason why I’m most scared is because… love is real – and it’s out there. Although I joke numerous times that love isn’t real, it is real because I’ve felt it myself. Note*: past tense.

Feelings are fleeting – what if I wake up one day and the person I love doesn’t love me anymore, or worse, what if I lose my feelings for that person? Love is real but does it last forever? Maybe for some people, but not for many, including myself. Granted, I am incredibly young and still have so much more to experience – but I’ll let you in on a little secret, I hope to experience love, but only genuine, passionate, meaningful, uplifting, and extraordinary love. Love that is so deep that it stirs and shakes my soul. Mr. Big, are you out there?

Is that an “A” or a “U”? Wait, it’s an “O”? Oh, it’s a cursive “O”.

I’m beginning to question if a person’s handwriting even matters anymore.

Remember in grade school where we all learned how to write in cursive and n looked like a m and z looked somewhat like a drinking straw?

I was in one my classes and realized that my handwriting has really gone downhill. Maybe it’s my vacation to blame or maybe, maybe, it’s the fact that many of us are typing more than we are clicking our pens to start writing away.

As you step into a college lecture class, I’m willing to bet that there is at least, not one or two, but THREE people with laptops ready with Microsoft Word (that they probably illegally downloaded) opened up. Of course, some professors don’t even allow laptops or tablets (or phones!) in the room, so there are exceptions. But times are changing.

You’re more likely to be clicking and clacking away at a keyboard than writing your thesis on note paper. Am I right?

Let’s face it: penmanship is going to be a dying art soon. Maybe not in a few months or years, but why would we learn how to touch a pen when we’ve got keyboards to spare at Goodwill?

I was thinking about this and it reminded of that one episode from Phil Of The Future. Oh, Phil, cute but he couldn’t write the alphabet to save his life. Who can blame him? He’s from the future and we’re closely getting there!

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wonder why I am even caring about this day – when it’s just another day?

Maybe the reason why is that I have people in my life who hate it or love it so it’s making quite an impact in my life.

I usually am not too upset about this day – I love this day because there are many things that arise that allow me to be elated: the color pink everywhere, hearts galore, yummy chocolates and people being made happy throughout the whole day by someone special in their life. But I can understand why other people being made happy in the love department can make others the opposite.

So what do you do if you’re single and it happens to be Valentine’s Day?

When everyone around you is in love, happy, and kissing up their lovers, you could possibly get upset because you don’t have someone of your own to kiss (and your dog doesn’t count). However, I don’t. I am happy that others are happy. It is truly all about your perspective. We can choose to sulk or we can choose to celebrate!

Valentine’s Day is just another day: another day to be grateful that we are alive, a day where we are able to embrace our family and friends in proper ways that we can, and a day where we should love the most important person in our own lives: ourselves!

Make Valentine’s Day about you: treat yourself, value yourself and embrace yourself. It’s all about perspective, so make it all about you.